Lost in Austin

This time last week I was at the World Horror Convention in Austin, Texas. After fifteen hours travelling there and another fifteen hours to get back plus several late night parties the convention is a bit of a blur but I think at least some of the following things did actually happen and weren't just fatigue-induced hallucinations.

* Went sightseeing with Chris Teague. Chris suggested popping into San Antonio to see the Alamo as it was supposed to be nearby. But that turned out to be nearby in American terms; it was actually 15 million light years away. So instead we went to the LBJ Museum. We arrived at this choice as it offered an insight into the social, political and historical development of 20th Century America. Plus, it was free admission.

* Met up with Matt Cardin who I haven't seen for eight years. And who, after putting up with my jokes for the entire convention, is probably hoping that I won't see him again for at least another eight.

* Was struck completely dumb when I met Peter Straub. I think he walked away wondering, "Who is this mute that Simon Strantzas has just introduced me to?" And I don't even remember what I said to Joe Hill when I met him but he ran into the toilets to get away from me.

* Took my life in my hands by ordering a salad in a Texan restaurant. You should have seen the look of contempt the waiter gave me. When he brought our food over he refused to even look at me. He would ask Chris if he wanted a refill or dessert or whatever but blanked me completely. I was tempted to blow Chris's perceived manliness by revealing how he had wussed out of putting gravy on his breakfast that morning. But I decided against it as then the waiter wouldn't have been talking to either of us and we might have wanted to order more drinks later.

* Managed to remain blissfully unaware of the tornadoes raging across Texas until I realised there was a message on the phone in my hotel room from my mum asking if I was still alive. Fortunately the tornadoes were in another part of Texas. This cheered her up but not as much as if I'd checked the time difference before calling her back and avoided getting her out of bed in the middle of the night.

* Enjoyed the panels on Horror in academia, Horror in comics, Commonwealth Horror and How to Kill People. This last panel consisted entirely of martial artists, military personnel and gun aficionados. For some reason there were no hecklers during this panel.

* Cracked up at Matt describing Stephanie Meyers's prose style in hilarious manner. And then telling a joke that nearly reduced Chris to tears.

* Mike and Carolyn Kelly being charming company. The Canadian Nick and Nora Charles. All they needed was a murder to solve.

* Chatted to Mike Casto about Fantasy novels and martial arts. We got so into our discussion of how to generate punching power that he was one step away from giving me a private lesson in the hotel lobby. During this entire conversation Chris looked on in bemusement. The next day I apologised to him, explaining that I'm as big a geek for martial arts as I am for comics. "You're just lucky that I didn't combine the two and start talking about martial arts comics like Iron Fist." At which point Matt and I both cried out, "Like unto a thing of iron!" This made us seem cool and funny and not at all nerdy.

* Complained about having to miss all of the Sunday programming in order to catch my flight home only to bump into a WHC attendee at Houston airport and holding our own mini-convention in the departure lounge. A couple more hours and we would have set up a dealers room and started a book signing.

Anyway, thanks to everyone I met at the convention and who made my trip to Texas such fun. I would list all your names but I think a list that long might break the Internet. I just hope you all had as much fun as I did.

FantasyCon 2010

Everybody else in the universe seems to be doing a blog about FantasyCon so I suppose I'd better do one as well.

Friday

Arrived in Nottingham with my friends Pam Creais and Lilly Ibelo.

Went with Pam, Lilly and Mark West to an Italian restaurant around the corner. Lily and Mark were taken aback to find that the pizzas they ordered were only slightly smaller than the Isle of Wight.

FantasyCon quiz. The problem with the quiz these days is that only the real hardcore fans attend. The kind of people who can answer questions such as, "To the nearest footpound of pressure how strong did William Shatner's girdle need to be for Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Gut?" People like me who can barely spell K-9 don't stand much of a chance. Fortunately our team had Jay Eales and Selina Lock who could not only tell you the exact combination of sandworm excretions, water, sun and air needed to create melange but could also draw you a diagram of the molecular structure of each component. Just as well as Mark revealed a hitherto unsuspected competitive streak as he sat there muttering, "Don't let us come last. Don't let us come last." Finally the results came in aaaand ... we came last. It took the fire brigade three hours to talk Mark down off the top of the hotel.

Get Real panel. Bit disappointed with this one. The participants were eloquent and erudite but they all seemed to have been booked for the wrong panel. Instead of discussing the way real life issues impact on genre fiction the panel quickly digressed to talking about the writing process.

Consoled Gary Greenwood about Ryan Reynolds' costume in the upcoming Green Lantern film while non-comics fan Paul Meloy looked on in bemusement trying to work out what all the fuss was about.

Saturday

Visited Nottingham Castle and its museums. They had exhibits from the Russell Crowe Robin Hood film. Reminded me of Lord of the Rings but without the elves and magic.

Chatted with John B Ford who I haven't seen for ages. John published my first collection, Spare Parts, but don't hold that against him, he's a really nice bloke.

Catastrophia signing. I had to keep apologising to all the people who asked me to sign the book as my signature looks like that of an epileptic dyslexic writing while onboard a plane experiencing severe turbulence. Also, no one told me that photos would be taken of the contributors; I hate having my photo taken and my attempts at a casual, relaxed pose resembled someone about to have a circumcision without the aid of an anaesthetic.

Went for a curry with Pam, Lilly, Paul Meloy, Gary Greenwood, Gavin Williams and Roy Gray. Great food, great company. Funniest moment came when Pam casually asked, "So are you guys up for anything?" Turned out she was talking about the awards.

BFS award ceremony. My leg cramped up halfway through and I was sitting on the far side of the room from the exits so I couldn't just sneak out and shake off the muscles. By the end of the ceremony I was in agony. Consequently I wasn't giving the awards my full attention but there was much clapping and cheering so presumably everyone was happy with the results. Apart from the losers, obviously.

At the bar Paul Finch regaled a croup of awe-inspired listeners with tales of his time on the police force. Then I chatted with John Travis, Andrew Hook and Terry Grimwood about noir books and films; the pros and cons of The Mist (both the film and the novella); the way the media encourages unhealthy body images for women; and why, despite what Gary McMahon thinks, Cary Grant and James Stewart are great actors. John also became obsessed with figuring out as many sports as possible for decomposing zombies to play. And at some point Allyson Bird wandered over and discussed how men often ignore what women are saying. Or something like that, I wasn't really listening.

Sunday

Chatted with David Price and Gary Greenwood. Jonathan Oliver nearly fainted when I told him that I actually quite liked the latest series of Dr Who. Well, apart from the Daleks and Spitfires episode. Obviously.

Robert E Howard panel. Passionate and informative discussion of Howard's works that makes me long for a clean sword and a clean foe to flesh it in. Or maybe to just read some of Howard's books.

Got Ramsey Campbell to sign my copy of Night Visions. Yay! Failed to track down Lisa Tuttle to sign the same book. Boo!

Bryan Talbot slide show on the history of anthropomorphic animals in comics. Fascinating lecture.

Chatted to Bryan Talbot as he signed my copy of The Adventures of Luther Arkwright. Think I avoided coming across as a total idiot. No small feat.

FantasyCon raffle. Hosted by the hilarious Guy Adams. I won a copy of Stephen Volk's multi-award nominated novella Vardoger which he graciously signed even though he knew I'd blagged it in the raffle rather than actually bought it.

Allen Ashley and Andrew Hook collared me for a photo of Catastrophia contributors. I was forewarned about the photo this time so I managed to dial down my look of discomfort from recipient of medieval circumcision to, "Christ, someone just gave me a wedgie!"

Then it was time to go home. Thanks to everyone at the Con: Simon Bestwick, Gary Couzens, Chris Teague, Carole Johnstone, Martin Roberts, Helen Hopley, Jenny Barber, Tim Lebbon, Adele Harrison, Nina Allen, Mick Curtis, Debbie Curtis, Gary MacMahon, Emily MacMahon, Gary Cole-Wilkin, Soozy Marjoram, Gary Fry, Lord and Lady Probert, Ray Russell, Gwilym Games, Trevor Denyer, Steve Upham and Stephen Bacon. And to everyone else who I've forgotten to mention.

And of course a special mention to London Underground and National Express who, thanks to their hard work and dedication, were able to turn a ten minute detour on my return journey into an extra hour of travelling time.