Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Dear Santa

So once again it's that time of year when people feverishly scribble out lists detailing what they desire most in the whole world. A time when people rely on the goodwill of others to restore their faith in humanity.

I refer of course to the recommendations process for the British Fantasy Awards. I've only just discovered that it started over a month ago. That's me, finger on the pulse as ever.

Anyway, here's what I've got eligible this year:

BEST NOVELLA -- 'Bliss' From We Fade to Grey

BEST SHORT STORY -- 'Nothing is Forever.' From the Pendragon FantasyCon chapbook which I've forgotten the name of. And which, due to a cock-up with the delivery, hardly anyone received a copy of. And even if they did the printers screwed up my story by presenting random passages in italics for absolutely no reason whatsoever. So obviously it stands a really good chance of winning :-/

BEST HUMAN BEING -- Me. Okay, I made this one up. But if anyone did vote for me in this category then that would be the best Christmas present ever. (Just kidding, I really want one of the awards.)

Monday, December 15, 2008

Invasion of the Seagal Snatchers

As I'm sure you're all suffering withdrawal symptoms due to me not bragging about how wonderful my stories are for a while here's a quick snippet from a review of 'Bliss' in Black Static #8:

"Young tells it like a retread of Invasion of the Body Snatchers with Steven Seagal in the lead role. The result is something eminently readable and engaging, a plot driven narrative with dollops of sex and violence, but dig beneath the surface and you discover that he is addressing some serious and genuine concerns about the nature of human existence and the values that we cherish."

Friday, December 05, 2008

Customer Service

In response to Elizabeth's comment on my last post I offer this news from Chris Teague:

"In other news, the paperback edition of We Fade to Grey has sold out - a reprint is on it's way, due in the New Year - to compensate, and until Christmas, anyone who orders the hardback edition will also receive a copy of New Writings in the Fantastic (and a "subscription" to the first 3 Triquorum chapbooks). "

So hop on over to Pendragon Press.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Hot Cakes

Just heard that the paperback edition of We Fade to Grey has sold out. A second print run is due in the New Year.

Obviously everyone is rushing to buy the book 'cos I'm in it.

Blimey, I managed to say that with a straight face ...

Sunday, November 16, 2008

WFTG review

Nice review of We Fade to Grey up at Matthew Fryer's blog.


He also compares 'Bliss' to "an ultra-violent, X-rated episode of Doctor Who." Which I feel is a pretty fair comment.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Hollywood Here I Come!

As you can always trust quizzes you did on the internet to guide you in the path your life should take I'm off to make my fortune in Hollywood.




You Should Be a Film Writer



You don't just create compelling stories, you see them as clearly as a movie in your mind.

You have a knack for details and dialogue. You can really make a character come to life.

Chances are, you enjoy creating all types of stories. The joy is in the storytelling.

And nothing would please you more than millions of people seeing your story on the big screen!

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Out to Launch

The We Fade to Grey launch went well. Even though Gary and Chris decided not to tell any of the contributors that we were going to have to give presentations about our individual stories -- and then picked me to go first even though they know I hate speaking in public. Bastards.

Anyway, just a reminder that the Horror World review has been archived at www.horrorworld.org/september_2008.htm

Sunday, September 14, 2008

We Fade to Grey comp

Look! Over there! Chris Teague's running a We Fade to Grey competition!

"To celebrate the impending launch of this literary feast of supernatural thrills, which shares it's title with a well-known early 80s pop-song, both myself and the fount of 80s trivia Mark West have racked our brains to ask thee a single question:

"Who links 'One man on a lonely platform, one case sitting by his side, two eyes staring cold and silent, show fear as he turns to hide' with 'It's five and I'm driving home again, it's hard to believe that it's my last time, the man on the wireless cries again, it's over, it's over'?"

The winner shall receive the following:

- A free copy of the hard cover edition of We Fade to Grey, which will not only be numbered and signed by all contributors, but shall also be personally inscribed with whatever message they desire;

- Also, a free copy of any other Pendragon Press title (check out www.pendragonpress.net to choose).

Send your entry by e-mail to: chris at pendragonpress dot net - preferably with your message, just in case you're the happy winner...

Closing date for entries is midnight (GMT) Wednesday 17th September 2008 - the winner shall be notified on Thursday, with their books posted on Monday 22nd September 2008.

No correspondence shall be entered into and the decision shall be final.

So there. :)"

Of course everyone here will want to pay for their copy.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Launch update

Apparently the We Fade to Grey launch has been rescheduled for 1600 on the Saturday. Just thought I'd mention it because I know you'd all be distraught if you missed the launch.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Michael Davis

When I was a kid I thought Michael Davis was one of the funniest performers I'd ever seen.

There's another comic in this first video, skip ahead to 3:30 if you want just see Davis.


This video shows a great trick with a pingpong ball. (If Chris Teague is reading this, don't get excited Chris, it's not the trick you usually pay to see done with a pingpong ball.)


This clip features a crappy framing device for the comedy and uses some of the same gags from the previous videos but still contains some other funny lines.

Monday, September 01, 2008

We Fade to Grey review

Chris Teague has just pointed me towards We Fade to Grey's first review at http://www.horrorworld.org/reviews.htm

Scroll about halfway down the page for Mario Guslandi's comments on the book.

And for those too lazy to do that here's the most important part of the review:

"Stuart Young contributes "Bliss"a novella graced by excellent characterization and smooth narrative flow featuring two brothers facing the shocking reality of a surreptitious alien invasion of human bodies."

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Trailer

Okay, let's try embedding the We Fade to Grey trailer.


Saturday, August 09, 2008

We Fade to Grey launch

Just heard from Chris Teague and Gary McMahon. Apparently the We Fade to Grey launch is scheduled for 3.00 Saturday afternoon at FantasyCon. Should last for about 45 mins.

For some reason it's being held in the bar. It's almost as if they think getting all the punters drunk will help sell the book.

Monday, July 28, 2008

FantasyCon booklet

Over the weekend I put together some story notes and a bio for a promotional booklet Chris Teague is planning. At FantasyCon he's giving away these booklets featuring stories by Paul Finch, Gary McMahon and me. (Apologies to any other authors who might be included but these are the only ones I know about.)

My story, 'Nothing is Forever', is a cosmicy horrory type thingie. No idea what the others have done, but knowing those two it's bound to be horror of some kind.

The whole thing is to promote Pendragon Press and more specifically We Fade to Grey.

Normally I'd tell you to buy one but seeing as they're free that'd be kind of pointless. That said, if you did offer to buy I'm sure Chris would be happy to take your money.

That's our Chris, always looking to put the con into FantasyCon.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Sign o' the Times

I recently stuck my autograph on the signing sheets for the hardback limited edition of We Fade to Grey. Would have been an exciting moment -- the first time I've done a signing sheet! -- if my arm and shoulder muscles hadn't been all cramped up due to postural problems. This led to severe writing cramp by the time I signed the second sheet. Fortunately that left me with a mere 98 to go.

I couldn't even pace myself as there had been a delay posting the sheets round to the book's contributors so I needed to sign all the sheets in one go and post them back to the publisher. So by the time I finished I was walking around doubled over in pain, my face screwed up in agony, looking like a cross between Quasimodo and Wayne Rooney. Even more so than usual.

I wouldn't have minded so much if my signature had turned out okay but it looks awful at the best of times. A microscopic scrawl that would still be illegible even if written at a size that didn't make subatomic particles look the size of Mount Everest.

It didn't help that all the other writers had these elaborate sweeping signatures, all elegant loops and sweeping curls, that looked less like autographs and more like diagrams on how to tie the Gordian knot. Whereas my signature looked like someone had just scribbled on the page to make sure their pen was working.

Sigh.

In future I'm just going to use a rubber stamp.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Information Overload

It's that time again when I do tons and tons of research for a story with absolutely no idea which bits are actually going to make it into the final plot.

Urgh, I think my brain is going to explode.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Spare Parts

My old collection Spare Parts has been out of print for a couple of years but I've just stumbled across a retailer who still has a few copies. So if anyone is interested in seeing what I was doing before I won the British Fantasy Award here's a chance to find out. Wait, that won't convince anyone to buy it -- um, the book has an introduction by Tim Lebbon. No, still no good -- er, it's got illustrations by BFA winning artist Bob Covington and BFA nominated artist Dave Bezzina. No, still no interest -- wait, I've got it! The retailer, Fantastic Literature, has knocked several quid off the cover price so you'd be getting the book dirt cheap.

Anyway, here's where to go if you fancy looking up my book.

Or you can just point and jeer -- "No one's publishing your book anymore!"

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Full-sized quotes

Just realised that the Nicholas Royle and Stephen Gallagher quotes have been edited down to fit on the back cover. Here are the quotes in full:

"Gary McMahon signally fails to keep the unpleasant and horrifying tendencies of his contributors in check in this maelstrom of evil curses, sickening violence, inevitable death, bereavement and the end of the world." Nicholas Royle

"I picked up WE FADE TO GREY last night and was kept reading way beyond any reasonable hour. As strong a collection of solid horror tales as I've read in a long time, and a great reminder of the unique qualities that British writers can bring to the field." Stephen Gallagher

Monday, June 02, 2008

We Fade to Grey trailer

Just discovered a trailer for We Fade to Grey at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWa_Gr6wu8I

As my oh so wonderful blog is still refusing to let me post links to Youtube I'll just mention that the trailer conatins a new cover quote from Stephen Gallagher -- "As solid a collection of horror tales as I've read in a long time."

Monday, May 19, 2008

The Reapers signing

Went to a signing for John Connolly's latest novel The Reapers on Tursday.

John told some funny stories about the stupidity of criminals then discussed the themes of The Reapers and spoke about the film version of his short story 'The New Daughter' which stars Kevin Costner and the girl from Pan's Labyrinth. He also read an extract from the novel he's currently working on, The Lovers. With a wicked glint in his eye he revealed that it always annoys his agent when he reads work to the public before the agent has had a chance to see it.

After the signing John invited everyone along to a nearby pub where he had reserved the upstairs bar. He recently turned 40 so as everyone chatted away several of his fans presented him with birthday gifts. Continuing a joke on John's message board about his advancing years one of the gifts was a pipe and a pair of monogrammed slippers.

From the pub we went on to a restaurant which served what are possibly the best chips in the world. Wine flowed, as did the conversation, with John regaling everyone with witty anecdotes. At the end of the evening he picked up the bill despite the best efforts of one of his fans who was desperate to pay it himself. (I'm sure none of you will be surprised to learn that this fan wasn't me.)

On the train home I read the first couple of chapters of The Reapers. At first I was slightly worried to discover that it not only dealt with similar themes as one of my forthcoming stories but it also featured a piece of research crucial to that story. Just to make things freakier John even introduced a character named Bliss which is the title of my story. By now hyperventilating at the prospect of being sued for plagiarism I tried to reassure myself that there will be more than enough differences to set the two stories apart.

After all The Reapers is a finely crafted tale, full of well-rounded characters, snappy dialogue, stunning imagery and thoughtful insights into the human condition.

And 'Bliss' has been written by me.

Friday, April 25, 2008

The Spirit

Trailer for Frank Miller's adap of The Spirit at http://www.mycityscreams.com/ Not sure about this one. I'm not a huge fan of the Eisner comic (although I appreciate its seminal status) but judging by the trailer Miller seems to have totally ignored the er, spirit of The Spirit and just done a Sin City retread.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

All Quiet on the Western Front

Nothing exciting to report. I've just been having a bit of a clear out; some of the piles of books are getting so high that lowflying aircraft have to take evasive action when they pass by my house.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Up on the Proof

I keep forgetting to mention that I went through the proofs of 'Bliss' a couple of weeks back, correcting all the typos that had sneaked through ... and no doubt adding in a whole bunch of new ones.

In fact I'm going to use my poor typing skills as a get-out clause for any criticisms the story receives. Didn't like the way I described something? Well, actually I described it brilliantly, it's just that a series of typos weakened the effect. Thought a character's personality veered erratically over the course of the story? Typos interfered with my carefully nuanced portrait of a complex soul. Felt the ending was a bit weak? There's actually another three pages of text which would have ended the story just the way you wanted but unfortunately I leant on the backspace key whilst reaching over to pick up a chocolate biccie.

Of course the typo most likely to increase my sales is the one where I accidentally typed in the author's name as Stephen King.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Good news ... I think

Here's what Nicholas Royle has to say about We Fade To Grey. "A maelstrom of evil curses, sickening violence, inevitable death, bereavement and the end of the world."

At least I hope he's talking about the anthology and not the proposed launch party.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Dave Stevens RIP

Just heard that artist Dave Stevens passed away last week.

Stevens wrote and drew The Rocketeer comic that got made into a film back in '91 starring Jennifer Connelly and Timothy Dalton.

Stevens had a love for the old pulps and his illustation style reflected that. He also had a soft spot for Bettie Page, basing The Rocketeer's girlfriend on her.

Here's a gallery of his artwork. There's a fair amount of cheesecake stuff here which may be NSFW.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Old Interview

I'm far too lazy too post anything new at present so here's an old interview from just before The Mask Behind the Face came out.

Monday, March 03, 2008

NSFW

Thanks to Elizabeth for sending me this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lcmNaXmjvs

NSFW (Unless your boss has a sense of humour.)

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

John Buscema

Just stumbled across a website devoted to the artwork of John Buscema (1927-2002). He is one of my favourite comic book artists and is genereally regarded as one of the greatest of all time. Buscema combined the dynamism of Jack Kirby with lovingly rendered anatomy. This led to him being referred to as a comic book Michelangelo.

Buscema worked on superheroes (which he loathed) as well as romance comics and olde worlde adventure strips full of knights and wizards. But one of his favourite assignments was working on the Conan comics where he did some of his best work.

There's some great examples of his work on the site including paintings and sketches Buscema did for fun which reveal another dimension to his artwork.

And just for Simon here's some of Buscema's breakdowns for The Punisher.

Also just found a video of Buscema drawing Captain America. I've got this video as an extra on a DVD about superheroes and I love to watch it, gazing in awe as Buscema's pencil glides over the paper. Unfortunately Buscema died not long after the DVD was made. Although I never met him I was saddened to hear of his passing. The man was a true comic book master.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

More Moore

Just stumbled across a press release for The Moon and Serpent Bumper Book of Magic. It goes into much more detail than my previous post on this mystical tome.

The book sounds crazy as hell but I'm looking forward to it. (Of course now it'll turn out to be hideously expensive and I won't be able to afford it.)

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Lost Girls

To continue the Alan Moore theme of my previous post here's a review I did for a public interview he did back in 2006. The review originally appared in Machenalia, the newsletter for the Friends of Arthur Machen.

LOST GIRLS INTERVIEW REVIEW

The girls were indeed lost. Or at least incredibly late.

Due to copyright complications Dorothy, Alice and Wendy – the heroines of Lost Girls – will be unable to regale the great British public for some time yet. “So,” chuckled Stewart Lee as he settled down to interview writer Alan Moore and artist Melinda Gebbie, “we’re going to spend the next hour and a half discussing a book that won’t be published until 2008.” No one minded in the least.

The interview got underway with comedian Lee serving up witty, intelligent questions. Perhaps the most pertinent of which was how the idea of a pornographic graphic novel featuring Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz, Wendy from Peter Pan and Alice from Alice in Wonderland first came about. Moore replied that sex had been creeping into his stories as far back as Swamp Thing and he had wondered if maybe, just maybe, he could write about sex without using swamp monsters. Gebbie added that when they had first been kicking around ideas she mentioned that she had previously had great success writing about trios of women. The idea of utilising Dorothy, Alice and Wendy soon followed.

Moore and Gebbie also discussed the visual motifs for the three heroines – silver shoes, shadows and a looking glass. And the many pastiches of 19th century pornographic art and literature they used throughout the book, including not only homages to that most prolific of creators Anonymous but also artists such as Alphonse Mucha whose work might not be seen as pornographic but which still carried an erotic charge. Moore also put forth a theory that war is a symptom of sexuality gone awry, explaining why the first rumblings of WWI serve as a backdrop to the book’s sexual shenanigans.

Lee suggested that the lesbian scenes were infused with tenderness whilst the scenes of male homosexuality were played for uneasy laughs. Moore responded that this was because Dorothy’s husband was so unbearably uptight that he remained a parody of British reserve even at the moment of orgasm. “And the fact that he looks like Sean Connery,” said Lee, “was that an act of revenge for the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen film?” “No, not at all,” said Moore. “Speak for yourself,” giggled Gebbie.

During the course of the interview illustrations from the book were projected onto the wall at the back of the stage. Gebbie had great fun persuading the onstage computer to show the slides in the correct order. When the correct images finally appeared Gebbie pointed out the different colour schemes she had created for the individual heroines – Dorothy for example was shaded with earthy colours to represent her midwestern farmland roots. Gebbie also lamented Moore’s request for certain pictures to be repeated over and over again. Moore apologised, saying that he thought she would simply Xerox the pictures rather than painstakingly recreating each one by hand!

Given that Lost Girls is a self-proclaimed piece of pornography several of the slides were of a sexual nature such as Wendy snuggling up with the Lost Boys or Alice fornicating with the cowardly lion. Stewart Lee moved over these quickly as the audience issued schoolboy sniggers. “I’m only skipping over these because we’re short of time,” protested Lee. “I’m not scared of them.”

After the interview there followed a Q&A session with the audience. How did Moore think Carroll, Barrie and Baum would respond to his handling of their characters? Did Moore and Gebbie view Lost Girls as feminist pornography? Was the book influenced by the texts used to school Indian princes in the art of lovemaking?

With the Q&A over the signing commenced. The queue seemed to stretch halfway across London with fanboys clutching copies of Watchmen, V for Vendetta and Snakes and Ladders. Moore and Gebbie chatted cheerfully with everyone. Even people like myself who initially stood frozen in dumbstruck awe before overcompensating by erupting into a torrent of babbling gibberish. I eventually pulled myself together enough to ask Machen aficionado Moore if he was aware of FOAM. He replied that he was in fact a member. That seemed a pretty good way to end the evening.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Dumb Luck

Okay, so yesterday I'm meeting a friend up London and I happen to pop into GOSH Comics on the way.

Scooping up a copy of Alan Moore's The Black Dossier I head down to the basement to check out their back issues. To my annoyance I find the staff milling around, unloading boxes of stock right next to the comics I want to peruse. Silently cursing I squeeze past them and start rifling through the comics. At that moment someone speaks somewhere off to my left in tones which sound familar but which I can't quite place. Glancing in his direction I do a double-take.

It's Alan Moore.

I can't believe it. One of my favourite writers in the whole world is in the same room as me, is less than a metre away, sitting at a table with Melinda Gebbie, both of them signing copies of Lost Girls.

Stunned, I turn to the member of staff standing beside me. "Is there a signing today?"

"The signing was yesterday. Today they're just signing stock."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But wait. There's still a chance. Maybe if I catch him at the right moment Mr Moore will deign to sign my book even though I had arrived a day too late.

Okay, first go back upstairs and buy the book. The storeowners won't be too happy if I get Moore to put a personal inscription in a book I haven't actually bought. On the other hand his autograph might actually increase the price of the book when I finally do go to pay for it. ("Black Dossier? That'll be £250 please." "That's not what it says on the sticker." "That was before it was signed." "But it's signed to me." "I'm sure we can find other customers called Stuart if we wait long enough.")

So, now the proud owner of a copy of The Black Dossier I rush back down to the basement and nervously ask Mr Moore if he would mind taking a break from signing the vast stacks of books surrounding him and sign my book instead. He generously agrees to do so and we chat briefly and he laughs at one of my jokes. (The laugh is probably more from pity than anything else but I'll take what I can get.)

Then I head off to meet my friend and fellow comics fan to see just how green he turns when I tell him of my good fortune.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

We Fade to Grey introduction

Gary McMahon recently sent me a copy of Mark Morris's introduction for We Fade To Grey. It's a jolly fine intro that not only comments on the stories in the anthology but also delivers a quick history of the state of recent horror publishing.

More importantly he said some really nice things about my story 'Bliss', describing it as "deliriously bonkers ... a fast-paced romp that manages to walk a fine line between gruesomely shocking and blackly funny ... a powerful and inventive tale."

Now I don't want to brag but he obviously thinks my story is the best in the anthology. Not only that but he thinks all the other contributors are talentless hacks who should never have been allowed to appear in the same book as a literary genius such as myself. But diplomacy forces him to compliment their stories no matter how awful they are. So he grudgingly admits that 'The Narrows' by Simon Bestwick is "a brooding, claustrophobic tale which accesses some of our most primal fears" and 'The Mill' by Mark West is "a beautiful story" and 'The Pumping Station' by Paul Finch is "a tough and uncompromising tale." Although he's clearly lying through his teeth when he calls 'Heads' by Gary McMahon "a well-constructed and satisfying tale."

Going above and beyond the call of duty Mark manages to continue his introduction by saying even more nice things about these poor excuses for stories. But when you buy the book the important thing to remember is that he's only praising these pathetic tales out of politeness. My story is the only one that he genuinely believes to be any good.

Honest.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

John Connolly video

Hour long video of John Connolly discussing various aspects of writing at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2racaDOvxyI

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Korgoth of Barbaria

Bob Covington pointed me towards a cartoon called Korgoth of Barbaria which spoofs the old Robert E Howard Conan stories. Funny and violent with lots of monsters and buxom wenches but there's only been one episode so far. Quick clip at www.youtube.com/watch?v=rPXH12h-K-M if anyone's interested.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Random Ramblings

Watched the beginning of Shadow Man starring Steven Seagal the other day. Just one of those masochistic things I do every now and again just to see how bad his films are these days. His current fare makes his old films look like cinematic masterpieces. Especially the fight scenes.

At least in the old days he used to do all the fights himself now he just waves his arms around while the camera does a closeup of his face and then the person he's fighting will fall down for no reason. Or more likely Seagal will just use a stunt double for the fights. Because the more bloated he becomes the more OTT his fights are. Full of dodgy wire-fu performed by stunt doubles. Except Seagal really expects people to believe that it's him doing all the stunts. Come on, look at the size of him, there isn't a wire in the world strong enough to lift that amount of blubber.

But bizarrely the fights weren't actually the funniest thing about Shadow Man. 'Cos believe it or not one of the other stars was Imelda Staunton. That's right, Vera Drake was co-starrring in a Seagal film! I didn't watch the film all the way through but I'm hoping she had a fight scene with Seagal and gave him a right good slapping.

And the surreal casting didn't stop there. Also appearing was Eva Pope from Waterloo Road (you know, that school drama with Neil Morrisey; basically it's the BBC trying to fob us off with Grange Hill as primetime telly 'cos it's got a different name and has proper "stars"). And there was also Trevor from Eastenders who used to beat up Little Mo. Unfortunately Seagal didn't pay homage to this by beating him up with an iron but I like to think this idea was put forward in an earlier draft of the script.

Of course the really exciting thing about this is that now Seagal has a potential "in" with Eastenders. The soap has a fascination with gangsters and ex-coppers (which probably explains why they have an exchange scheme going on with the cast of The Bill) so Seagal would be perfect. He could play an ex-NYPD detective who's trying to trace his East End heritage. He could even run the aikido school that used to get mentioned in every single bloody episode until the writers realised they didn't actually have any ideas how to work stories around it and quietly dropped it.

And the best thing woud be that Seagal could go up against Phil Mitchell. Just think about it, they make perfect foils for each other: they're both fat, bald has-beens trying to act like hard men.

If Seagal can't persuade any of his Hollywood stunt doubles to do the fight scenes for Eastenders I have the perfect solution. Westlife. Now this isn't just 'cos I want to see the Irish crooners get beaten to death (although that does hold a certain appeal). It comes from seeing their dancing in the video for their cover of 'Home'. Whenever they get all emotional during the song they start pulling faces and clenching their fists. One of them even stands on one leg and wobbles about wildly as he tries to maintain his balance. It looks like he's tried to walk off only to discover that someone has superglued one of his feet to the floor. Or that he's doing an un-PC impression of a special needs kid playing hopscotch. Whatever, he still obviously has greater athletic ability than Seagal.

The problem with Westlife is that these days the blonde one is a dead ringer for Boris Johnson. I keep expecting him to campaign to become the Mayor of London. But that's not as big as the other problem Westlife have. That they're shit.

Out of all the 90s pop comebacks the only group that have managed to impress me is Take That. Not that I like their music but at least they seem to have a suitably humble attitude. They appear genuinely grateful that people are buying their new records. To be honest they probably can't believe their luck. They know it's a miracle that anyone bought their stuff the first time round so having a successful comeback is something to be grateful for. Such humility is refreshing. Plus, their success will hopefully piss off Robbie Williams.