Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Macho Macho Man

Apparently portly funnyman James Corden used to get teased at school 'cos his middle name is Kimberly.

Doesn't he realise that his girlish name is actually a chance for him to channel his masculinity with industrial strength levels of testosterone? Let's just look at the precedent:

John Wayne. Real name Marion Morrison. Went on to define Hollywood masculinity for several decades. Even if he did wear a pink shirt in Rio Bravo. And kiss Walter Brennan.

Bruce Lee. Real name Lee Jun Fan. Given a girl's name by superstitious parents in order to confuse the demons they thought would kill him. I don't know if this is what drove him to learn kung fu but I wouldn't be surprised. Of course the style he majored in, wing chun, was devised by a woman so even after all that training he still hit like a girl.

In fact the easiest way to defeat Lee in combat was to question his manliness.

Lee Van Cleef. Despite his unisex name Van Cleef was a hard bastard in umpteen westerns not least of which was The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. Not to mention portraying a geriatric ninja in trash TV classic The Master.

Mel Gibson. Now I can't say for certain that Mel stands for Melanie but that would help explain why he gets sozzled and tries to reinforce his masculinity by calling female police officers "sugar tits." It also explains the intensity of his performance in the Lethal Weapon films. He wasn't acting, he really was crazy -- about the fact that he had been given a girl's haircut.

It probably didn't help that he even got to play a character with a unisex name when he portrayed Brett Maverick. And Brett was a coward who couldn't fight and who flounced around in lacy shirts. And even Maverick's surname is associated with homosexuality due to it being used so prominently in Top Gun , a film which Quentin Tarantino famously suggested to have a gay subtext.

Well, at least Tom Cruise could feel secure playing Maverick in Top Gun as there have never been any doubts about his sexuality.

Robin Hood. I don't remember Mel Brooks picking up on the unisex nature of Robin's first name in Men in Tights; instead he chose to ridicule the legendary outlaw's outfits. Hollywood duly noted this and scratched their heads over how to avoid any more sniggering over Robin's choice of attire. Fortunately they got round this by dressing him in skintight leather trousers.

Darth Vader. Real name Anakin "Annie" Skywalker. Okay, so you've got the most powerful Jedi ever known and you're worried that he's going to turn evil if he doesn't learn to control his emotions. So you constantly refer to him by a girl's name? You make him wear a stupid little pigtail? And then you act all surprised when he turns to the Dark Side. Jedi Knights really haven't got a clue, have they?

So we should all we very careful about teasing James Corden over his middle name because like the others mentioned in this post he could snap and unleash death and destruction upon us all.

And if we really piss him off he might make another series of Horne and Corden.

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