Sherlock - A Scandal in Belgravia

The new episode of Sherlock -- 'A Scandal in Belgravia' -- was quite good fun. Yes, Sherlock will no doubt get up the noses of purists but when it comes to Holmes I'm a strange mixture of connoisseur and philistine. On the one hand I love the original Conan Doyle stories, think the Jeremy Brett TV series is the gold standard by which all other screen versions should be judged and will quite cheerfully unleash a swamp adder upon any writer foolish enough to have Holmes tangle with Dracula, Mr Hyde or any other supernatural foe. On the other hand I have a soft spot for Without a Clue and Young Sherlock Holmes and the Pyramid of Fear so obviously my judgement should be taken with a grain of salt. Sherlock tends to come down on both sides of the divide for me, depending on how well each individual episode is handled and whether I happen to feel connoisseurish or philistiney when I watch it. Consequently I shall be sticking the boot into Sherlock even as I praise it.

The opening scene, resolving the cliffhanger from series one, has divided viewers. Some found it hilariously inventive, others stupidly anti-climactic. Personally, I'm just glad they got rid of the rubbish actor playing Moriarty so quickly. Presumably he had to rush off to play the villain in the local panto. I actually found myself hoping that he was a flunky pretending to be Moriarty in order to leave the criminal mastermind out of harm's way in case his plan backfired. Unfortunately it looks like we're stuck with an actor who is less scary than the Jim Moriarty off The Goon Show. (To be fair I've not seen the actor in anything else so he may have given brilliant performances in every other role he's played. There's even a chance that his Moriarty will improve as he gets used to the part. Fingers crossed.)

Anyway, on to the main story. I'm not entirely convinced that turning Irene Adler into a morally ambiguous femme fatale was a good idea -- if memory serves she was a lot more sympathetic in the original short story -- but as this allowed Lara Pulver to strut around naked I'm not complaining. Although it did bug me that Sherlock found it impossible to make any deductions about Adler just because she was naked. Surely he could still have made deductions about her hairstyle, make up and the building she was living in. Not to mention the most obvious clue of all -- "Only one beauty salon in the whole of Europe uses that distinctive style of Brazilian!" After all, canonical stories such as 'The Blue Carbuncle' show that Holmes is able to make deductions based upon fashion and grooming. Perhaps one of the cases for which Watson feels the world is not ready is 'The Adventure of the Primped Pussy.'

Still, I was chuffed that Moffatt managed to keep so much of the original 'A Scandal in Bohemia' plot in his adaptation although he did jettison at least one key scene in order to explore the possibility of romance between Holmes and Adler -- an idea which I thought I would hate but which Moffatt managed to handle without compromising Holmes' analytical personality. (I'm not really up on Holmes pastiches but I guess that most writers ignore this scene from 'Bohemia' when they have Adler turn up in their stories as it reminds people that not only did Adler not fancy Holmes but she actually married someone else which rather gets in the way of developing romantic storylines for the two of them.)

Meanwhile, the Holmes geek in me enjoyed the references to other Holmes stories: 'The Greek Interpreter', 'The Speckled Band' and 'The Illustrious Client' (and possibly a whole bunch of others that I missed). Unfortunately the plot got a little bit carried away with its twists and turns and the ending was pretty ludicrous. Also, although Adler got a lot more to do than in the original story she actually came across as less capable -- in 'Bohemia' she scored a decisive victory against Holmes whilst acting completely by herself but in 'Belgravia' she had outside assistance yet still had trouble landing an intellectual KO. And it seemed a bit of a shame for her to end up as a damsel in distress in need of rescue.

Another thing -- and there's a good chance that I've misunderstood all the twists and turns of the plot here -- but Adler seemed willing to sacrifice national security in order to save her own skin. This basically means that she doesn't care if innocent people die so long as she survives. As I say, I may be wrong, she may have been unaware of what she was getting into and was an innocent dupe but such a lack of intelligence just makes her seem less worthy of the title the woman.

Still, overall the episode was enjoyable, appealing more to my inner philistine than my connoisseur.

Balls

My story, Jarly and the Saga of the Snowball, is in the Estronomicon Christmas Special

An epic tale of magic, dragons, ancient myths and dancing pigs. What more could you ask for in a story? Well, okay, seeing as Jarly started off as a comic strip character I suppose you could ask for pictures but this is prose so tough, you're going to have to put up with reading all the words. Even the long ones that you'll have to look up in the dictionary. The same as I did.

Kzine

My short story, What You Get Is No Tomorrow, is in Kzine #1.

Another Alt-Dead review

Another review of the Alt-dead anthology.

Anthony Watson describes it as "a strong collection and one that I'd recommend." More importantly he says my story -- which is obviously the only story anyone cares about -- is "an excellent piece of writing that brilliantly captures the frustrations of those having to deal with mental illness. It's a story about loss and grief for sure, but it's also about guilt. The ending is horrifying and heart-breaking."

Where the Heart Is review

Matthew Fryer has some kind words for my story, A Killing on the Market, from the Where the Heart Is anthology saying that it "delivers plenty of seamlessly real dialogue, but don’t be lured by the reassuring humour and warmth, because you’re in for a real horror finale."

Estronomicon Halloween Special

I'm a bit late with this news but my story, All These Friends and Lovers, appears in the Estronomicon Halloween Special.

Alt-Dead review

Mike Chinn gives Alt-Dead a nice review, doling out praise to all the stories. "Not a bad one amongst them – though I found Bacon's, McMahon's and Young’s the most affecting."

Guest Blog

Today I'm rambling on about something or other in a guest blog over at Steve Lockley's website.

Midnight Street interview and story

I've got an interview and story in the latest issue of Midnight Street

The magazine is free but if you go to the homepage there is an option to make donations if you happen to have some spare money lying around.

Lost in Austin

This time last week I was at the World Horror Convention in Austin, Texas. After fifteen hours travelling there and another fifteen hours to get back plus several late night parties the convention is a bit of a blur but I think at least some of the following things did actually happen and weren't just fatigue-induced hallucinations.

* Went sightseeing with Chris Teague. Chris suggested popping into San Antonio to see the Alamo as it was supposed to be nearby. But that turned out to be nearby in American terms; it was actually 15 million light years away. So instead we went to the LBJ Museum. We arrived at this choice as it offered an insight into the social, political and historical development of 20th Century America. Plus, it was free admission.

* Met up with Matt Cardin who I haven't seen for eight years. And who, after putting up with my jokes for the entire convention, is probably hoping that I won't see him again for at least another eight.

* Was struck completely dumb when I met Peter Straub. I think he walked away wondering, "Who is this mute that Simon Strantzas has just introduced me to?" And I don't even remember what I said to Joe Hill when I met him but he ran into the toilets to get away from me.

* Took my life in my hands by ordering a salad in a Texan restaurant. You should have seen the look of contempt the waiter gave me. When he brought our food over he refused to even look at me. He would ask Chris if he wanted a refill or dessert or whatever but blanked me completely. I was tempted to blow Chris's perceived manliness by revealing how he had wussed out of putting gravy on his breakfast that morning. But I decided against it as then the waiter wouldn't have been talking to either of us and we might have wanted to order more drinks later.

* Managed to remain blissfully unaware of the tornadoes raging across Texas until I realised there was a message on the phone in my hotel room from my mum asking if I was still alive. Fortunately the tornadoes were in another part of Texas. This cheered her up but not as much as if I'd checked the time difference before calling her back and avoided getting her out of bed in the middle of the night.

* Enjoyed the panels on Horror in academia, Horror in comics, Commonwealth Horror and How to Kill People. This last panel consisted entirely of martial artists, military personnel and gun aficionados. For some reason there were no hecklers during this panel.

* Cracked up at Matt describing Stephanie Meyers's prose style in hilarious manner. And then telling a joke that nearly reduced Chris to tears.

* Mike and Carolyn Kelly being charming company. The Canadian Nick and Nora Charles. All they needed was a murder to solve.

* Chatted to Mike Casto about Fantasy novels and martial arts. We got so into our discussion of how to generate punching power that he was one step away from giving me a private lesson in the hotel lobby. During this entire conversation Chris looked on in bemusement. The next day I apologised to him, explaining that I'm as big a geek for martial arts as I am for comics. "You're just lucky that I didn't combine the two and start talking about martial arts comics like Iron Fist." At which point Matt and I both cried out, "Like unto a thing of iron!" This made us seem cool and funny and not at all nerdy.

* Complained about having to miss all of the Sunday programming in order to catch my flight home only to bump into a WHC attendee at Houston airport and holding our own mini-convention in the departure lounge. A couple more hours and we would have set up a dealers room and started a book signing.

Anyway, thanks to everyone I met at the convention and who made my trip to Texas such fun. I would list all your names but I think a list that long might break the Internet. I just hope you all had as much fun as I did.

British Fantasy Awards

Three of my stories have been longlisted for the British Fantasy Awards in the Best Short Fiction category. Only 20 million other people were longlisted so I think I'm in with a chance.

One of the stories, Silent Night, is available to read here.

Go here to see the voting form.

And for the bribes I'm offering people to vote for me go to www.gulliblefans.com

Kimota Anthology

I'm in an eBook anthology reprinting stories from the '90s magazine Kimota. Tons of other authors in there as well, including top SF, Fantasy and Horror novelists such as Mark Chadbourn, Neal Asher, Mark Morris, Stephen Gallagher and Stephen Laws. So you don't just have to put up with my rubbishy stories.

Alt-Dead

I'm in the Alt-Dead anthology due out this Autumn.

As you can see from the cover illustration the theme is horror stories about feet. So you get a story about a murderer who kills people with the overpowering stench of foot odour emanating from his hosiery in 'Sock It To Me.' Then there's the tale of a lady who accidentally sprinkles her toes with voodoo dust instead of talcum powder, turning her feet into deadly zombies in 'My Feet Are Killing Me.' A powerful mediation on the nature of suicide in 'Toe Be Or Not Toe Be.' And my own tale about a psychotic army of geriatric shoemakers in 'A Load of Old Cobblers.'

There's a slim chance I may be making this all up.

Estronomicon Christmas Special

Only just realised that my story Silent Night appeared in the Estronomicon Christmas special. My stories are so popular that even I don't keep track of when they come out.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas from Jarly and Grarg, the comic strip characters created by Dave Bezzina and yours truly. My poem's rubbish but Dave's picture makes up for it:


The world shrugs on a frosty coat of snow,
And a cold wind whispered and cried,
It’s not just nippy, it’s thirty below.
Fortunately it’s warm inside.

Despite the late hour Jarly chooses to study;
The room’s cosy snugness makes it less of a chore.
The glowing fire makes his cheeks warm and ruddy,
He can concentrate so long as Grarg doesn’t snore.

Like any sensible creature at this time of night,
The sleepy little dragon lies all tucked up in bed.
Yet even lightly dozing he has an appetite,
His tail a makeshift toasting fork for a slice of bread.

Jarly ponders the worn ancient, arcane pages,
He seeks to gain the book’s hidden knowledge,
Become as wise as wizards, warlocks and sages,
Even though he never went to college.

In his pursuit to be powerful and bold
He ponders rune and sigil and glyph.
The hot fire prevents him feeling the cold,
His nose doesn’t run, nor does it sniff.

He could use these spells to confound his foes,
But as the candlelight elegantly flickers,
He feels content; no need to tread on toes.
This doesn’t feel the time for taunts, sneers or snickers.

Any old idiot can be a thug, hooligan or bully,
He should try to soothe and try to help.
Roll away people’s troubles with a magic lever and pulley,
Not try to hurt them or make them yelp.

As he arrives at his big decision
Emotions, desires and thoughts all align,
Concepts more complex than long division.
Magic grows within him and begins to shine.

Twelve Days

My story, Ten Lords-a-Leaping, appears in the TWELVE DAYS audio anthology from Dark Fiction Magazine.

Jarly and Grarg

Character sketch by Dave Bezzina for a comic strip we're working on.

Catastrophia review

Tangent Online has just described my contribution to the Catastrophia anthology as "An out-there story with a completely unexpected ending."

I think that means they liked it.

HP Lovecraft -- Action Hero

Interesting piece on HP Lovecraft over at Matt Cardin's Teeming Brain focusing on HP's fantastical imagination rather than his reputation as a master of horror. Now I'm not overly familiar with Lovecraft's work and do tend to think of him as a cosmic horror tentacle-monsters purveying misery guts. So I was quite surprised when I read one of his Dunsany-inspired pieces earlier this year -- I forget the title offhand, the story involved something about going up a mountain -- as it showed his range was wider than I'd realised.

Something else I noticed in the last couple of Lovecraft stories I read -- Dreams in the Witch House and The Dunwich Horror -- was the way the climaxes veered into action-adventure territory. But in a very perfunctory way as though Lovecraft either didn't have the talent or the inclination to dwell on that side of things in any detail. So the hero might wrestle with a knife-wielding assailant or rush up a hill armed with an ancient spell to tackle a demonic entity or do something else that wouldn't look out of place in an episode of Buffy but that stuff will just get mentioned in passing. I think there's a similar thing in The Call of Cthulhu -- "Cthulhu's free! He'll lay waste to all before him, the word is doomed, we're all going to -- oh, he's gone."

Maybe it's just because I've been reading some Robert E Howard lately but it seems to me that in the cited stories at least, Lovecraft is more action-oriented, in a teasing kind of way, than he's given credit for. In fact, as I was saying to a Howard fan the other day, it seemed to me that Lovecraft was actually doing the kind of action scenes that Howard is famous for but Lovecraft, deliberately or otherwise, just didn't do it so well.

Just a thought. Probably completely wrong-headed and ill-informed but those are the thoughts that I tend to have the most often.

The Fall (and Rise) of the Mutants

I've been rereading some of my old X-Men comics written by Chris Claremont. Nostalgia heavily tints my reaction to his writing, I can easily overlook some of the clunkier dialogue and the way plot strands are started in X-Men but resolved in completely different comics or sometimes even forgotten altogether. But being as objective as possible I would say that for me a lot of his best work on the mutant superheroes is in the issues I've just reread: Uncanny X-Men #212-227. He still has the verbose dialogue and captions for which he's famous but here they're stripped down to their dramatic and poetic essence. The two-page description of a crashing jumbo jet that opens #215 is astounding, as is the tense, hallucinatory chase sequence that follows. And Claremont has a knack for nailing the heart and atmosphere of a new locale in a few well-chosen sentences, be it a New York nightclub, a Scottish pub or a New Mexico desert.

"Darlin', how can anyone be an X-Man and not be a romantic?" Wolverine
Emotion is what drives Claremont's writing, an unabashed romanticism. He makes us care about the characters, putting us inside their heads, letting us know them as well as we know ourselves before destroying their lives and breaking our hearts.

Some wounds are physical. Others spiritual. No less cruel. No less mortal.
Tragedy overwhelms the X-Men during this set of stories: Colossus spends most of the run paralysed, Nightcrawler lies in a coma and Kitty Pryde is being slowly killed by her own misfiring superpowers. Even those who escape physically unscathed have other problems to deal with: Wolverine has a breakdown, his rational side collapsing, leaving his animal instincts in ascendance. Dazzler frets that her former life as a pop star has left her pampered and weak, traits that could get herself and her teammates killed. Plus, there's the small matter of humanity hating mutants and wanting them dead.

"Every path, every option seems to end in blood." Storm
Storm has a particularly bad time of it. Stripped of her powers in an earlier storyline she continues to lead the X-Men against foes who could kill her with a flick of a finger. Grief-stricken over the injuries sustained by those under her command. Conflicted over her oath never to take a human life versus the increasing need for lethal force in order for the X-Men to survive. Shocked by the revelation that the only way to save the world from a mystical apocalypse is to kill the man she loves. Forget Halle Berry's anaemic portrayal in the X-Men films, here is Storm as she should be: a woman of great honour, dignity and passion.

"You ever wonder sometimes whether we even deserve to be saved?" Crimson Commando
Moral ambiguity lurks behind the drama and the pulse-pounding action scenes. A trio of superpowered vigilantes hunt criminals for kicks while rationalising it with talk of honour and Storm fears the only way she can stop them is to resorting to murder herself. Former criminals become government sponsored superheroes while the altruistic X-Men are branded outlaws. The X-Man Rogue is herself a former supervillain seeking redemption for past crimes including the attempted murder of her teammate Dazzler. Meanwhile many of the humans the X-Men save want them dead, baying for blood no matter what sacrifices the mutants make to save them.

"If we gotta go either way might as well make it mean something." Wolverine
But there is hope too, an idealism that may be battered and tarnished but never vanquished. The X-Men keep fighting, striving for equality and acceptance no matter what. Moral victiores are achieved -- Collosus and Kitty Pryde prevent a rampaging mob from killing an injured Nightcrawler not by blasting them with superpowers but by making them confront the immorality of their actions. On occasion humans even stand up for the X-Men, judging them by their actions not by the fact that they're mutants. Speeches abound, a Claremont speciality, imploring everyone to live in harmony.

"I beg your pardon. But don't you know it's impolite to shoot people?" Longshot
But it's not all moralising and speechifying. There's fun to be had as SF and fantasy blend together with the odd bit of horror thrown in for good measure. Humour and quirkiness sneaks in too with Dirty Harry and the Brigadier from Doctor Who making sly cameos. And when Dazzler tackles the unstoppable powerhouse Juggernaut he turns out to be a fan of her records and is more interested in getting her autograph than engaging in an epic super-battle.

So, classic superhero action. Superbly handled romance and drama. A plea for tolerance and an end to prejudice. Not to mention fantastic artwork from John Romita, Jr, Rick Leonardi, Barry Windsor-Smith, Alan Davis, Jackson Guice and Marc Silvestri.

No wonder I love Claremont's X-Men.

FantasyCon 2010

Everybody else in the universe seems to be doing a blog about FantasyCon so I suppose I'd better do one as well.

Friday

Arrived in Nottingham with my friends Pam Creais and Lilly Ibelo.

Went with Pam, Lilly and Mark West to an Italian restaurant around the corner. Lily and Mark were taken aback to find that the pizzas they ordered were only slightly smaller than the Isle of Wight.

FantasyCon quiz. The problem with the quiz these days is that only the real hardcore fans attend. The kind of people who can answer questions such as, "To the nearest footpound of pressure how strong did William Shatner's girdle need to be for Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Gut?" People like me who can barely spell K-9 don't stand much of a chance. Fortunately our team had Jay Eales and Selina Lock who could not only tell you the exact combination of sandworm excretions, water, sun and air needed to create melange but could also draw you a diagram of the molecular structure of each component. Just as well as Mark revealed a hitherto unsuspected competitive streak as he sat there muttering, "Don't let us come last. Don't let us come last." Finally the results came in aaaand ... we came last. It took the fire brigade three hours to talk Mark down off the top of the hotel.

Get Real panel. Bit disappointed with this one. The participants were eloquent and erudite but they all seemed to have been booked for the wrong panel. Instead of discussing the way real life issues impact on genre fiction the panel quickly digressed to talking about the writing process.

Consoled Gary Greenwood about Ryan Reynolds' costume in the upcoming Green Lantern film while non-comics fan Paul Meloy looked on in bemusement trying to work out what all the fuss was about.

Saturday

Visited Nottingham Castle and its museums. They had exhibits from the Russell Crowe Robin Hood film. Reminded me of Lord of the Rings but without the elves and magic.

Chatted with John B Ford who I haven't seen for ages. John published my first collection, Spare Parts, but don't hold that against him, he's a really nice bloke.

Catastrophia signing. I had to keep apologising to all the people who asked me to sign the book as my signature looks like that of an epileptic dyslexic writing while onboard a plane experiencing severe turbulence. Also, no one told me that photos would be taken of the contributors; I hate having my photo taken and my attempts at a casual, relaxed pose resembled someone about to have a circumcision without the aid of an anaesthetic.

Went for a curry with Pam, Lilly, Paul Meloy, Gary Greenwood, Gavin Williams and Roy Gray. Great food, great company. Funniest moment came when Pam casually asked, "So are you guys up for anything?" Turned out she was talking about the awards.

BFS award ceremony. My leg cramped up halfway through and I was sitting on the far side of the room from the exits so I couldn't just sneak out and shake off the muscles. By the end of the ceremony I was in agony. Consequently I wasn't giving the awards my full attention but there was much clapping and cheering so presumably everyone was happy with the results. Apart from the losers, obviously.

At the bar Paul Finch regaled a croup of awe-inspired listeners with tales of his time on the police force. Then I chatted with John Travis, Andrew Hook and Terry Grimwood about noir books and films; the pros and cons of The Mist (both the film and the novella); the way the media encourages unhealthy body images for women; and why, despite what Gary McMahon thinks, Cary Grant and James Stewart are great actors. John also became obsessed with figuring out as many sports as possible for decomposing zombies to play. And at some point Allyson Bird wandered over and discussed how men often ignore what women are saying. Or something like that, I wasn't really listening.

Sunday

Chatted with David Price and Gary Greenwood. Jonathan Oliver nearly fainted when I told him that I actually quite liked the latest series of Dr Who. Well, apart from the Daleks and Spitfires episode. Obviously.

Robert E Howard panel. Passionate and informative discussion of Howard's works that makes me long for a clean sword and a clean foe to flesh it in. Or maybe to just read some of Howard's books.

Got Ramsey Campbell to sign my copy of Night Visions. Yay! Failed to track down Lisa Tuttle to sign the same book. Boo!

Bryan Talbot slide show on the history of anthropomorphic animals in comics. Fascinating lecture.

Chatted to Bryan Talbot as he signed my copy of The Adventures of Luther Arkwright. Think I avoided coming across as a total idiot. No small feat.

FantasyCon raffle. Hosted by the hilarious Guy Adams. I won a copy of Stephen Volk's multi-award nominated novella Vardoger which he graciously signed even though he knew I'd blagged it in the raffle rather than actually bought it.

Allen Ashley and Andrew Hook collared me for a photo of Catastrophia contributors. I was forewarned about the photo this time so I managed to dial down my look of discomfort from recipient of medieval circumcision to, "Christ, someone just gave me a wedgie!"

Then it was time to go home. Thanks to everyone at the Con: Simon Bestwick, Gary Couzens, Chris Teague, Carole Johnstone, Martin Roberts, Helen Hopley, Jenny Barber, Tim Lebbon, Adele Harrison, Nina Allen, Mick Curtis, Debbie Curtis, Gary MacMahon, Emily MacMahon, Gary Cole-Wilkin, Soozy Marjoram, Gary Fry, Lord and Lady Probert, Ray Russell, Gwilym Games, Trevor Denyer, Steve Upham and Stephen Bacon. And to everyone else who I've forgotten to mention.

And of course a special mention to London Underground and National Express who, thanks to their hard work and dedication, were able to turn a ten minute detour on my return journey into an extra hour of travelling time.

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu

And so we bid a fond adieu to Quentin S Crisp as he continues on his blog tour. But as a farewell gift here's my first attempt at interviewing him from a few years back.

Quentin S Crisp

Right, here's a mini-interview I've conducted with Quentin S Crisp, author of The Nightmare Exhibition, Rule Dementia! and Shrike. Quentin's going to be loitering around the blog for the next week so if anyone has any questions they want to ask him about his writing or being short-listed for the Shirley Jackson Awards or his new book Remember You're a One-Ball! please do so via the comments function. This is to make the interview fun and exciting in a hi-tech interactive kind of way and not just an attempt to cover up the fact that I couldn't be bothered to ask Quentin any decent questions.

Let's start with the important stuff. Your name is Crisp. But if you actually were a crisp what flavour would you be?

There can be no question but that I would be Worcester sauce flavour.

Your new book is called Remember You're A One-Ball! Does this have anything to do with the legend surrounding Hitler's lunchbox? Or with WWI flying ace Albert Ball who, due to his tendency to spend his free time by himself, found himself nicknamed by his fellow pilots as Solitary Testicle?

Now you’ve gone and spoilt the plot.

Hitler makes a kind of cameo appearance in the book. Kind of. Albert Ball would probably find much resonance in the novel. I suppose I’ve become more sensitive in recent years to the whole notion of spoilers. I’m not sure I cared that much about them when I was younger. I feel like I want everything about the book to be a surprise to readers, if possible, but I suppose if one is going to publicise the damned thing then something must be said other than simply, “Read this book!” So, I can at least reveal that this book does involve testicular surgical intervention of a kind. And I’m sure that, knowing that, you’ll all rush to buy it.

Go on, tell us some more about the book. Spare no detail. What type of paper is it printed on? What font was used, Times New Roman or Dutch Courier?

I think the typeface might be Palatino, but I wouldn’t swear to it. The design for the book was undertaken by Bigeyebrow, in consultation with Chômu Press. I think it looks very striking and unusual.

Someone told me recently that the book is a bildungsroman, and I decided this was a great way to describe it. Just add the epithet ‘macabre’ or perhaps ‘grotesque’, and you have a reasonable sound-bitey description: macabre bildungsroman/grotesque bildungsroman.

I really feel that this novel is a kind of definitive statement for me about certain aspects of my experience of existence, and it seems unlikely that I’ll need to cover the same area again. Having said that, they do say that most writers basically have one story that they write over and over again. I think I have at least two, but I may be wrong. “Remember You’re a One-Ball!” seems to go pretty much as far as I can go in following certain preoccupations of mine, but I suppose psychoanalysts might decide I was still writing the same story even after I’ve moved away from traumatised schoolboys with intimate injuries and passed on to depicting Utopian futures of holographic animism and the parasexuality of invertebrate aliens.

You write in a genre you call demented fiction. But doesn't that name apply to everything that Terry Pratchett has written since developing Alzheimer's? (This joke courtesy of Jonathan Ross's and Russell Brand's book How To Disguise The Fact That You're Not Actually Funny By Insulting A National Treasure.)

I realise that I’m using the word ‘demented’ in an inaccurate way from a medical point of view. People have asked me about this, taking it rather seriously, and I can see that you’re taking it a little too seriously yourself, but the term ‘demented fiction’ is really just something I made up. If dementia ‘goes viral’ at some point, that would be gratifying, but my invention of the term was really just my way of saying, “Girl Power!”

Finally, as an old school Dr Who fan what would you say if the BBC asked you to not only write the next series but also to star as The Doctor? But the entire series has to be done as a musical. Co-starring John Barrowman. And Bonnie Langford.

I’d say, “When do I start?”!
…

… Can you put a word in for me?

Video interview

Me making a twat of myself in my first ever video interview

And despite what the video description says I won a British Fantasy Award not a Stoker.

Don't work harder, work smarter

My copy of Where the Heart Is arrived yesterday. Just got to tear out all the stories by the other contributors so I can tell people that my story is the best in the book.

Where the Heart Is

I've got a story in
Where the Heart Is
But don't let that put you off, there's loads of other authors in there as well.

Here's what the publisher, Gray Friar Press, says about the book:

Take an alternative tour of Great Britain . . .

Writers are often told to write about what they know best . . . and what do they know better than their own homes? In this anthology, 19 fine authors of dark fiction reveal some of the less palatable elements of their native environments.

There's blood where the heart is.

Much blood.

So it's kind of like Bill Bryson. If he wrote horror. And if there were 19 of him.

Macho Macho Man

Apparently portly funnyman James Corden used to get teased at school 'cos his middle name is Kimberly.

Doesn't he realise that his girlish name is actually a chance for him to channel his masculinity with industrial strength levels of testosterone? Let's just look at the precedent:

John Wayne. Real name Marion Morrison. Went on to define Hollywood masculinity for several decades. Even if he did wear a pink shirt in Rio Bravo. And kiss Walter Brennan.

Bruce Lee. Real name Lee Jun Fan. Given a girl's name by superstitious parents in order to confuse the demons they thought would kill him. I don't know if this is what drove him to learn kung fu but I wouldn't be surprised. Of course the style he majored in, wing chun, was devised by a woman so even after all that training he still hit like a girl.

In fact the easiest way to defeat Lee in combat was to question his manliness.



Lee Van Cleef. Despite his unisex name Van Cleef was a hard bastard in umpteen westerns not least of which was The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. Not to mention portraying a geriatric ninja in trash TV classic The Master.

Mel Gibson. Now I can't say for certain that Mel stands for Melanie but that would help explain why he gets sozzled and tries to reinforce his masculinity by calling female police officers "sugar tits." It also explains the intensity of his performance in the Lethal Weapon films. He wasn't acting, he really was crazy -- about the fact that he had been given a girl's haircut.

It probably didn't help that he even got to play a character with a unisex name when he portrayed Brett Maverick. And Brett was a coward who couldn't fight and who flounced around in lacy shirts. And even Maverick's surname is associated with homosexuality due to it being used so prominently in Top Gun , a film which Quentin Tarantino famously suggested to have a gay subtext.



Well, at least Tom Cruise could feel secure playing Maverick in Top Gun as there have never been any doubts about his sexuality.

Robin Hood. I don't remember Mel Brooks picking up on the unisex nature of Robin's first name in Men in Tights; instead he chose to ridicule the legendary outlaw's outfits. Hollywood duly noted this and scratched their heads over how to avoid any more sniggering over Robin's choice of attire. Fortunately they got round this by dressing him in skintight leather trousers.

Darth Vader. Real name Anakin "Annie" Skywalker. Okay, so you've got the most powerful Jedi ever known and you're worried that he's going to turn evil if he doesn't learn to control his emotions. So you constantly refer to him by a girl's name? You make him wear a stupid little pigtail? And then you act all surprised when he turns to the Dark Side. Jedi Knights really haven't got a clue, have they?

So we should all we very careful about teasing James Corden over his middle name because like the others mentioned in this post he could snap and unleash death and destruction upon us all.

And if we really piss him off he might make another series of Horne and Corden.

The Matrix

Caught a bit of The Matrix:Reloaded on telly the other night and it reminded me about this article I wrote a few years back about the Matrix series. Originally published in Prism, The British Fantasy newsletter way back in 2003.

(SPOILER ALERT! Don’t read this if you haven’t seen the entire Matrix trilogy. And don’t read this if you’ve got housework to do. The carpet won’t hoover itself you know …)

I’m confused.

The Matrix was a near-perfect action blockbuster: stylish action set-pieces, a tightly constructed plot, there’s even an attempt at depth by moulding philosophical concepts to the action. (Okay, so certain aspects of the plot don’t really stand up to close inspection and some elements of the film are highly derivative but any film that can persuade Keanu Reeves to increase his dramatic range to the point where he has two facial expressions has to be commended.)

Then came Matrix: Reloaded. The explosions were bigger but unfortunately so were the philosophical discussions. These conflicting elements sat awkwardly beside each other. And the ‘To Be Continued … ’ ending was so ineptly handled that it even used a “dramatic” musical sting of the sort outlawed in 1937 for being too corny. But although disappointed the fans remained loyal, ignoring the film’s obvious flaws whilst secretly hoping that the next instalment would see a return to former glories. (The technical name for this kind of blind loyalty on the part of SF fans is known as ‘The Phantom Menace syndrome’.)

Finally came Matrix: Revolutions. Presumably the revolutions of the title are a reference to the 180° turns in allegiance performed by most of the Matrix’s fans after watching this incredibly tedious film. Action scenes are almost entirely jettisoned for impenetrable philosophical discussions, main characters such as Morpheus are reduced to simpering sidekicks, and Keanu Reeves has by now totally misplaced his second facial expression. The film even denies the audience the consolation that this is the final instalment in The Matrix story; with the Oracle and the Architect musing on a future disruption of the newfound peace.

But is the Matrix trilogy really that bad? Perhaps it’s too soon to fully assess the films’ merits. Maybe they will repay multiple viewings. Have the Wachowski brothers produced a set of SF classics that are too sophisticated for the current audience but which will in years to come be treated with the same awed reverence as films such as Blade Runner?

Frankly, I don’t care.

The Matrix films were marketed as action blockbusters and that’s what I want damn it! The first film showed that the philosophy could be worked into the story without slowing the action scenes down so why did they mess around with things on the sequels? I’m guessing because they wanted to show off their knowledge of Baudrillard and Barthes in an attempt to silence the intellectuals who sneered that they had just copied the names from their old notes from Philosophy 101.

And they had to work in all the pompous religious and mythological symbolism. Most of the characters have Biblical names! Neo gets blinded just like Oedipus! He dies and is resurrected just like Jesus!

But all the clever intellectual games are pointless without a decent plot to go with them. The Wachowskis’ sense of pacing gradually deserted them over the course of the series, the balance between action and dialogue becoming increasingly uneven. So The Matrix opens with a kick-ass fight scene! Reloaded opens with explosions! And Revolutions opens with Neo sitting at a train station …

Meanwhile the scenes in Zion are deathly dull, turning the entire trilogy into a holo-deck episode from Star Trek. Characters like the Trainman, the Albino Twins, and the Indian family that turn up whilst Neo’s trapped in the train station, appear and then disappear as The Wachowskis realise they don’t really know what to do with them. Even The Architect, who is a pivotal character, only appears after they’ve scoured the dictionary for enough multi-syllable words with which to pepper his dialogue. In fact by Revolutions even the trilogy’s three main characters -- Neo, Trinity, and Morpheus -- are relegated to the sidelines for large chunks of the film. Instead we’re supposed to care about the geeky kid (imaginatively named Kid) and the gruff Captain Mifune. But these aren’t characters; they’re extras who have somehow managed to blag a few lines of dialogue.

The fact that elements of the plot are explained in tie-ins like The Animatrix series and the Enter the Matrix computer game doesn’t help. When I watch a film I want all the relevant information to be included in the film itself not in some spin-off product that I’ve got absolutely no interest in. (Okay, so I’ve read The Matrix graphic novel but that’s because I like comics, not because I’ve been brainwashed into buying any old rubbish that carries the Matrix brand name.) No doubt the Wachowskis think of these tie-ins as ways of allowing the fans to enjoy the Matrix in a more intense interactive manner but that only applies to the hardcore Matrix fanboy. The term that comes more readily to mind for the average filmgoer is total rip-off.

Even the lauded special effects aren’t that special. The Burly Brawl in Reloaded loses all credibility once the CGI goes into overload. Up until then it had been an exciting slice of chop socky with the only major effects being used to create the illusion of multiple Agent Smiths. But as soon as Neo goes into his kickboxing poledancer routine the fight just becomes laughable. And yet still the scene plods on, proudly displaying its blocky sub-Pacman graphics.

The attack on Zion in Revolutions also suffers from being too long. Long after the audience has figured out exactly which clichés the humans are going to use to save the day the Wachowskis feel the need to drag the scene out for a seemingly interminable length of time. For some reason they think it will make the supposedly unstoppable Sentinels scarier if they reinforce the machines’ total inability to kill unarmed and unprotected people despite the humans being weighed down by heavily laden wheelbarrows.

The fact that the Wachowskis expect people to dissect the films, searching for all the clever references they’ve made, also means that people start to find all the bits of the story that don’t seem to make sense. Like, how comes Neo can use his computer-generated powers in the real world? If the computers can’t create a perfect version of the Matrix because human minds reject it why don’t they just clone braindead humans who wouldn’t be able to reject the perfect Matrix? If Neo and Agent Smith are supposed to be so radically different from all the other computer programs in The Matrix, blessing them with unpredictability, then how comes The Oracle can always predict what they’re going to do?

Maybe all this stuff makes sense and maybe it doesn’t. But if it does the Wachowskis haven’t done themselves any favours by making it such a tangled mess. They should’ve stuck to the formula of producing a slick action movie that touches upon the metaphysical stuff just enough that the audience could delve deeper into the references if they were interested. By keeping everything moving quickly they could gloss over the story’s inconsistencies.

Because even in some of the smaller details the films fall apart. One of the great things about the first film was that the Agents were so unstoppable that even the super-cool Morpheus and Trinity legged it as soon as they appeared on the scene. Yet in Reloaded despite the Agents having upgrades that allow them to go toe-to-toe with Neo suddenly Morpheus and Trinity start duking it out with anyone they can find who’s wearing a black suit and shades. Worse, if the upgrades mean that a mere handful of Agents can hold their own (albeit briefly) against Neo then how come he isn’t totally overwhelmed when battling a hundred or so copies of Agent Smith? And why does Neo keep forgetting he has superpowers whenever the Wachowskis want to prolong an action scene? I just wanted to scream at him, “You can fly, you moron! You can halt bullets in mid-flight! You can enter into Agents and unravel their very being! Why are you standing there letting them punch you?”

Although for me the biggest problem of the films is the way that the heroes quite happily blast away at innocent people. It’s clearly stated that if you die in The Matrix you also die in the real world. Therefore when Neo and Co. shoot at the Agents, causing them to vacate the bodies they’d hijacked, leaving them as bullet-ridden corpses, the good guys have effectively just killed innocent people. Now, fair enough, when faced with certain death at the hands of an implacable killer who makes the original Terminator look cuddly you’re not going to be too bothered about how you stop him so long as it works. In that sort of situation self-preservation rules. But there’s not even the slightest hint of remorse following these regrettable slayings. The only time I recall this dilemma even being mentioned in the films is in the training sequence with the woman in the red dress where Morpheus tells Neo, “If you are not one of us, you are one of them.”

Well, that’s all right then. Why bother displaying genuine human emotion over a truly horrible situation when you can just hide behind rhetoric and a pair of shades?
Not that I’m condoning “The Matrix Defence” that has sprung up in America where teenagers claim to have been driven to kill people because of the messages of violence in the Matrix films. No doubt these kids have also seen Disney films, with blatant messages of love and tolerance, but did that make them go out and start acting like saints? No. The teenagers’ violence came from mental problems and sociological strife. If these issues had been dealt with then the question of whether the Matrix films could ever have driven them to commit murder would never even have arisen.

And yeah, I know there’s a whole looking glass reflection aspect to the human/machine relationship in the Matrix films. We can’t live without the machines and they can’t live without us so we’re locked in an endless cycle of mutual dependency and hatred. So showing the heroes as being capable of an icy ruthlessness that matches that of the machines may well have been intentional. Maybe it’s to remind the audience that okay, humans are the good guys but we can still act like right bastards when the occasion demands. Although if this was the Wachowskis’ purpose I think they fumbled the ball badly.

This lack of compassion is something that I feel mars the series as a whole. The first two films are, on one level, love stories, with Trinity’s love bringing Neo back from the dead in The Matrix and then him returning the favour in Reloaded. And Revolutions has them both so filled with love for humanity that they sacrifice their lives so that their comrades might have a better future. Yet frankly I found these scenes didn’t touch me at all on an emotional level. In fact Trinity’s death scene was so badly handled, with the camera panning down ever so solemnly to reveal that she had been skewered by umpteen sharp objects (but she hadn’t told Neo this because she didn’t want to upset the poor dear), that it totally avoids pathos and instead jumps straight into black comedy.

Even the other romantic elements that were brought in after someone noticed that Neo and Trinity had absolutely zilch chemistry together fail to elicit audience sympathy. Link and Zee’s romance is never given enough screentime to engage the viewer whilst the romantic triangle between Morpheus, Niobe, and Commander Lock that started in Reloaded is conveniently forgotten in Revolutions when the Wachowskis realise they don’t actually know what to do with the subplot.

With no emotion at the heart of the story the trilogy becomes empty, soulless.

The kind of story that might have been written by a machine.

The Mask Behind the Face WHC edition

Just had it confirmed that there will be a special limited edition of my British Fantasy Award winning novella, The Mask Behind the Face, on sale at the World Horror Convention 2010.

This edition comes with a new cover quote from legendary horror author T.E.D Klein. "Wow, what an impressive story ... ambitious, in fact downright audacious"

This goes along with the previous quotes from bestselling novelists Mark Chadbourn and Brian Keene so I'm a litle bit chuffed right now.

Robert B Parker RIP

Robert B Parker passed away on Monday. He made a huge impact on the crime scene in the '70s and published over 60 novels, most famously the Spenser series. His work was tough, funny, intelligent and romantic. From all accounts so was he.

One of my favourite writers. I'm sorry that he's gone.

2009 reading

I'm probably forgetting a bunch of stuff but here's a rough list of what I read last year. Probably would've helped if I hadn't waited until halfway through the year to start listing my reading. And if I hadn't then lost the list.

* = not finished by the end of 2009
** = reread
*** = not quite a reread but heavy skimming of books that have been read previously

Novels:
GENTLEMEN OF THE ROAD -- Michael Chabon*
THE MASTER SNIPER -- Stephen Hunter
THE CODE OF THE WOOSTERS -- PG Wodehouse
THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE -- James M Cain
THEY SHOOT HORSES DON'T THEY? -- Horace McCoy
SOME OF YOUR BLOOD -- Theodore Sturgeon
TAMING A SEAHORSE -- Robert B Parker
THE DRIVE-IN: THE BUS TOUR -- Joe R Lansdale
THE LOVERS -- John Connolly
ALTERED CARBON -- Richard Morgan
ECHO BURNING -- Lee Child
THE ROAD -- Cormac McCarthy
THE TURNAROUND -- George Pelecanos
THE GATES -- John Connolly
TOMATO RED -- Daniel Woodrell
MARATHON MAN -- William Goldman
STARSHIP TROOPERS -- Robert Heinlein*
BATMAN BEGINS -- Dennis O'Neil*
THE GODWULF MANUSCRIPT -- Robert B Parker***
GOD SAVE THE CHILD -- Robert B Parker***
MORTAL STAKES -- Robert B Parker***
PROMISED LAND -- Robert B Parker***

Collections:
VERY GOOD, JEEVES! -- PG Wodehouse
E PLURIBUS UNICORN -- Theodore Sturgeon*
WAKING NIGHTMARES -- Ramsey Campbell*
BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY'S -- Truman Capote*
EARTHMAN GO HOME -- Harlan Ellison*
DARK VISONS -- Stephen King, Dan Simmons, George RR Martin*
NIGHT VISIONS 3 -- Ramsey Campbell, Lisa Tuttle, Clive Barker*

Short stories:
A bunch of Thomas Ligotti stories
Desperate Hours -- Jonathan Marshall
Guy Walks into a Bar ... -- Lee Child
The Sticky Wicket -- James Herriot
The Ant and the Grasshopper -- W Somerset Maugham
The Man From Glasgow -- W Somerset Maugham
The Pitch -- Dennis Etchison
The Accountant -- Robert Sheckley
Miss Marple Tells a Story -- Agatha Christie
The Last Seance -- Agatha Christie
The Snail-Watcher -- Patricia Highsmith
The Day of Reckoning -- Patricia Highsmith
The Baby Spoon -- Patricia Highsmith
A Curious Suicide -- Patricia Highsmith
A Rose for Emily -- William Faulkner
The Man Who Didn't Ask Why -- CS Forester
Examination Day -- Henry Slesar
The Seed from the Sepulchre -- Clark Ashton Smith
Home Away from Home -- Robert Bloch
You've Got to Have Brains -- Robert Bloch
The Mannikin -- Robert Bloch
The Graveyard Rats -- Henry Kuttner
The Wonderful story of Henry Sugar -- Roald Dahl
The Willows -- Algernon Blackwood
Oh Whistle and I'll Come to you my Lad -- MR James
Lost Hearts -- MR James
Canon Alberic's Scrap-book -- MR James
The Stalls of Barchester Cathedral -- MR James
Number 13 -- MR James
The Girls in Their Summer Dresses -- Irwin Shaw
The Heart of a Goof -- PG Wodehouse
High Stakes -- PG Wodehouse
Buried Treasure -- PG Wodehouse
The Letter of the Law -- PG Wodehouse
The Monster -- Joe Haldeman
Two Minutes Forty-Five Seconds -- Dan Simmons
A Way Home -- Theodore Sturgeon
Talent -- Theodore Sturgeon
The Man Born Blind -- CS Lewis
Forms of Things Unknown -- CS Lewis
Apples -- Ramsey Campbell
The Open Window -- Saki
Denton's Death -- Martin Amis
Activity Time -- Monica Dickens
Eyes -- Charles L Grant

Scriptbooks:
BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER: ONCE MORE WITH FEELING -- Joss Whedon
DR WHO: THE TALONS OF WENG-CHIANG -- Robert Holmes*

Non-Fiction:
CREATORS ON THE FANTASTIC FOUR -- Tom Defalco
WILL STORR vs THE SUPERNATURAL -- Will Storr*
A PATH WITH HEART -- Jack Kornfield*
ZANSHIN -- Vince Morris**
THE ELEMENTS OF ZEN -- David Scott and Tony Doubleday
AT HELL'S GATE -- Claude Anshin Thomas
BUDDHISM WITHOUT BELIEFS -- Stephen Batchelor
HARDCORE ZEN -- Brad Warner
SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP -- Brad Warner
ZEN WRAPPED IN KARMA DIPPED IN CHOCOLATE -- Brad Warner
THE COMICS JOURNAL LIBRARY 6: THE WRITERS -- Tom Spurgeon**
MEDITATIONS ON VIOLENCE -- Rory Miller
LITTLE BLACK BOOK OF VIOLENCE -- Lawrence A Kane and Kris Wilder*
WORKING WITH WARRIORS -- Dennis Martin*
IMPOSSIBLE TERRITORIES: AN UNOFFICIAL COMPANION TO THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN BLACK DOSSIER -- Jess Nevins
GRANT MORRISON: THE EARLY YEARS -- Timothy Callahan*
TARANTINO -- Jim Smith
NORMAN ROCKWELL -- Kara Ann Marling
THE PRE-RAPHAELITES -- Christopher Wood*
WONDER WOMAN: THE COMPLETE HISTORY -- Les Daniels*
ZEN FOR BEGINNERS -- Judith Blackstone and Zoran Josipovic
THE ESSENTIAL BATMAN ENCYCLOPEDIA -- Robert Greenberger*
THE NAKED ARTIST -- Bryan Talbot*

Poetry:
The Charge of the Light Brigade -- Alfred, Lord Tennyson
The Lady of Shallot -- Alfred, Lord Tennyson
Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening -- Robert Frost
Fire and Ice -- Robert Frost**
To Lucasta, On Going to the Wars -- Richard Lovelace
The Love Song of Alfred J Prufrock -- TS Eliot
Macavity: The Mystery Cat -- TS Eliot
The Second Coming -- WB Yeats
Dolor -- Theodore Roethke
The Tiger -- William Blake**
The Sick Rose -- William Blake**
A Poison Tree -- William Blake
On Art and Artists -- William Blake
The Clod and the Pebble -- William Blake
A Tragedy -- E Nesbit
To the Virgins, to Make Much of Time -- Robert Herrick
How Pleasant to Know Mr Lear -- Edward Lear
Jenny Kiss'd Me -- Leigh Hunt
The Lazy Writer -- Bert Leston Taylor
La Belle Dame sans Merci -- John Keats
I Tracked a Dead Man Down a Trench -- Walter Lyon
The Raven -- Edgar Allen Poe**

Comics:
JLA: NEW WORLD ORDER -- Grant Morrison**
JLA: AMERICAN DREAMS -- Grant Morrison**
JLA: ROCK OF AGES -- Grant Morrison**
JLA: STRENGTH IN NUMBERS -- Grant Morrison**
JLA: JUSTIC FOR ALL -- Grant Morrison**
JLA: WORLD WAR III -- Grant Morrison**
JLA: EARTH 2 -- Grant Morrison**
JLA/WILDCATS -- Grant Morrison**
JLA: YEAR ONE -- Mark Waid and Brian Augustyn**
JUSTICE LEAGUE: A MIDSUMMER'S NIGHTMARE -- Mark Waid and Fabian Nicezia
FANTASTIC FOUR: IMAGINAUTS -- Mark Waid
FANTASTIC FOUR: UNTHINKABLE -- Mark Waid
FANTASTIC FOUR: AUTHORIATIVE ACTION -- Mark Waid**
FANTASTIC FOUR: DISASSEMBLED -- Mark Waid**
FANTASTIC FOUR: RISING STORM -- Mark Waid**
DAN DARE -- Garth Ennis
THE UNCANNY X-MEN: BEYOND THE FURTHEST STAR -- Chris Claremont
STREETS OF GLORY -- Garth Ennis
FALLEN ANGEL -- Peter David
THE QUESTION: ZEN AND VIOLENCE -- Dennis O'Neil
THE QUESTION: POISONED GROUND -- Dennis O'Neil
THE QUESTION: EPITAPH FOR A HERO -- Dennis O'Neil
THE QUESTION: WELCOME TO OZ -- Dennis O'Neil
THE QUESTION: RIDDLES -- Dennis O'Neil
THE NEW FRONTIER -- Darwyn Cooke
ANIMAL MAN -- Grant Morrison**
ANIMAL MAN: ORIGIN OF THE SPECIES -- Grant Morrison**
ANIMAL MAN: DEUS EX MACHINA -- Grant Morrison**
BATTLEFIELDS -- Garth Ennis
WAR STORIES -- Garth Ennis**
SCARLET IN GASLIGHT -- Mike Powell
THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS -- Frank Miller**
BLAZING COMBAT -- Archie Goodwin and various artists
RUNAWAYS: DEADEND KIDS -- Joss Whedon
SPYBOY: -- Peter David
BATMAN BEGINS -- Scott Beatty
EDUARDO RISSO'S TALES OF TERROR -- Carlo Trillos
CRIMINAL: LAWLESS -- Ed Brubaker**
MURDER ME DEAD -- David Lapham
TWO GUNS -- Steven Grant
Y- THE LAST MAN: WHYS AND WHEREFORES: Brian K Vaughan
CAPTAIN AMERICA: OPERATION REBIRTH -- Mark Waid
CAPTAIN AMERICA: PROTECT AND SERVE -- Mark Waid
CAPTAIN AMERICA/ CAPTAIN AMERICA: SENTINEL OF LIBERTY -- as many of the non-collected Mark Waid issues as I could find.
IRREDEEMABLE -- Mark Waid
FIGHT TO THE DEATH: BATTLE OF GUADALCANAL -- Larry Hama
SIN CITY: BOOZE, BROADS AND BULLETS -- Frank Miller**
DARK BLUE -- Warren Ellis**
CONAN AND THE SONGS OF THE DEAD -- Joe R Lansdale
ALLSTAR SUPERMAN VOL 2 -- Grant Morrison
THE FLASH: THE RETURN OF BARRY ALLEN -- Mark Waid
THE FLASH: TERMINAL VELOCITY -- Mark Waid
THE FLASH: RACE AGAINST TIME -- Mark Waid
THE LIFE STORY OF THE FLASH -- Mark Waid and Brian Augustyn**
GREEN LANTERN/SUPERMAN: LEGEND OF THE GREEN FLAME -- Neil Gaiman**
BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER: TIME OF YOUR LIFE -- Joss Whedon, Jeph Loeb
BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER: PREDATORS AND PREY -- Jane Espenson, Steven S. DeKnight and Drew Z. Greenberg
THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN: DEATH AND DATING -- Mark Waid, Dan Slott, Roger Stern
THE LONE RANGER -- Brett Matthews
HITMAN -- Garth Ennis***
THE COMPLETE NEW STATESMEN -- John Smith
CAPTAIN AMERICA: WAR AND REMEMBRANCE -- Roger Stern

Avatar

Just got back from seeing a press screening of Avatar. Good fun. Gets a bit silly in places and the running time meant that I ended up with deep vein thrombosis but if you just go along for the ride it's great.

Eat Your Heart Out, Wordsworth

Here's a few poems I've been fiddling with:

The Great Old One Cthulhu,
Whilst holidaying in Honolulu,
Was disturbed by a dirge,
And could not resist the urge,
To rip the head off of Lulu.

No? Okay, how about this one?

A chef became a ghost,
After arguing with a dinner party host,
He had stood by the oven,
And said, "Hey, stop shoving!"
But still ended up next to the roast.

No, no, take that gun from your head, there's only one more.

Barry was mad of course,
Lacking sanity or even remorse,
He used blowtorch and knife,
To create a new form of life,
Out of two pigs, a duck and a horse.

So do you think I'll become Poet Laureate anytime soon?

TV or not TV

"We Have Books About TV" -- Sign outside Springfield Library, The Simpsons

Televison gets a bad rep for encouraging illiteracy and turning anyone who watches a programme for more than thirty seconds into a braindead, dribbling moron but I'm not sure that's entirely deserved. Yeah, there's lot of rubbish programmes that people watch when they could be reading but there's lots of TV adaptations of books and also lots of TV programmes that get novelised.

Personally a lot of my early reading came from finding out about books and characters from TV. Paddington Bear, Just William, Swallows and Amazons, Sherlock Holmes, Dr Who and The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. Not to mention Jackonary which led to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Wind in the Willows and The Otterbury Incident (written by a future Poet Laureate no less). While you could argue the literary merit of some of these stories they helped develop my love of reading.

Even as an adult I find myself sampling authors due to the influence of TV adaptations. Books such as Bernard Cornwell's Sharpe novels, P.G. Wodehouse, Agatha Christie's Miss Marple. Even the Simon Nye novel which he later developed into his hit sitcom Men Behaving Badly (fortunately when he adapted it for TV he decided it might be an idea to include some jokes.)

And it's not just me. One of my friends happily admits that he's not a big reader but thanks to TV he's had a crack at C.S. Forester's Hornblower novels, Jeff Lindsay's Dexter novels and P.G. Wodehouse's Jeeves and Wooster stories.

Now I appreciate it's not just the influence of television that brought me to read some of these books. Stacy Keach's Mike Hammer isn't really a factor in me wanting to try Mickey Spillane and I don't remember Spenser: For Hire well enough for it to sway me one way or another when it comes to reading Robert B Parker. And I'll admit that even when I thoroughly enjoy a TV adaptation it won't necessarily spur me on to read the source material. At least not straight away. Decades passed between my seeing Joan Hickson portraying Miss Marple and my deciding that perhaps I should give the books a go. And although I tried a P.G. Wodehouse novel at the time of Fry and Laurie's Jeeves and Wooster it took many years and several nudges from various quarters (including repeats of the TV series) to remind me that it was high time to read some more of his stuff.

Sometimes the TV connection can be quite unexpected. A while back Garth Ennis mentioned that he enjoyed the novels of Derek Robinson, an author with whom I was totally unfamiliar. Recently I stumbled upon one of Mr Robinson's books only to discover it was the basis for a TV series I saw as a child.

UK TV has a long history of adapting books to screen and otherwise appropriating literary characters. Rumpole of the Bailey, The Darling Buds of May, Bodies, Tales of the Unexpected, A Bit of a Do. Crime novels seem to be particularly popular TV fodder -- Wire in the Blood, A Touch of Frost, Dalziel and Pascoe, Inspector Morse, Sharman, Jemima Shore Investigates, An Unsuitable Job For A Woman. Not to mention period dramas. British TV does like to dress up actors in frockcoats and breeches and actresses in bonnets and corsets. Although to be fair quite a few of these programmes seem equally keen to get the actors and actresses out of these costumes at the earliest opportunity.

Judging by the imports we get over here US TV isn't quite so keen on adapting books but in the last few years there seems to have been an upswing -- Homicide: Life on the Street, True Blood, The Wire, Generation Kill, Dexter and FlashForward.

So it's not all bad news as far as TV is concerned. It can actually inspire people to read more than just those annoying messages that flash up on the screen to tell you what the next programme will be, totally ruining the ending of the programme that you're currently watching. Occasionally, just occasionally, television can inspire viewers to seek out the wonders of literature.

Now excuse me, I'm off to watch I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.

Mash-up

Just to annoy the musical purists out there here's one of my favourite mash-ups:

FantasyCon Bebop

Went to FantasyCon over the weekend. Caught up with friends, went for a curry, visited Nottingham Castle and its excellent art gallery. Jolly good fun.

And in a totally unrelated matter here's the Cowboy Bebop theme 'cos I'm in the mood for some anime-inspired Japanese jazz. Trust me, it's actually pretty good.

Monster Magnet

'Cos sometimes you just need some psychedelic rock in your life.

Catastrophia

Just heard that I've had a story accepted for Catastrophia, PS Publishing's anthology of post-apocalyptic fiction featuring stories from heavyweights in the fields of science fiction and horror such as Brian Aldiss, Adam Roberts and Simon Clark. (Presumably after getting those three PS ran out of money and had to settle for what they could get.)

Redbelt

Trying to decide if I like David Mamet's Redbelt or not. It's well-acted (even Tim Allen puts in a decent performance) but the plot makes less and less sense as it goes along. Plus, the film's about Brazilian ju-jitsu but half the hero's moves that so impress the media types in the film are stick and knife techniques from the Filipino martial arts.

Still, it was fun to play spot the famous martial artist with the cast -- "Look, it's John Machado. And Randy Couture. And there's Dan Inosanto -- so that's where all the Filipino stuff came from."

No Comic Book Role Shall Escape My Sight

Okay, so Ryan Reynolds is going to play Hal Jordan in the upcoming Green Lantern film. This after already playing Hannibal King and Deadpool. Meanwhile his missus Scarlett Johannson is due to play the Black Widow after already playing Silken Floss in The Spirit and Rebecca in Ghost World. Are they in a tie for the actor who's played the most comic book characters on the big screen or has someone else got them beat?

Lemon Jelly

Ah, I haven't listened to The Staunton Lick in ages.

Fifteen Minutes of Game

Little exercise in timewasting that I stole from Michael Kelly. List 15 books that will always stick with you. But they have to be the first 15 books you think of in 15 minutes. Cue much cursing when you only start thinking of really impressive books after 16 minutes.

Anyway, here's my list:

Black Light -- Stephen Hunter
Axiomatic -- Greg Egan
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy -- Douglas Adams
The Drive-in -- Joe R Lansdale
The Unquiet -- John Connolly
The Hound of the Baskervilles -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
The Wind in the Willows -- Kenneth Grahame
Dune -- Frank Herbert
Dirty White Boys -- Stephen Hunter
Mucho Mojo -- Joe R Lansdale
L.A. Confidential -- James Ellroy
Mortal Stakes -- Robert B Parker
Dr Who and the Planet of the Spiders -- Terrance Dicks
Biggles Hits the Trail -- Captain W.E. Johns
The History of the Runestaff -- Michael Moorcock

Yakety Yak

There's a quick interview with me up on the Thomas Ligotti message
boards if you have absolutely nothing better to do.

http://www.ligotti.net/showthread.php?p=20889#post20889

The Reflecting Eye

A while back I was one of a bunch of authors asked to write some quick comments on their favourite novellas. My choice was 'The Reflecting Eye' by John Connolly. See the final feature at http://ttapress.com/611/their-favourite-novellas/0/5/

My bit's tucked away right at the bottom but I'm sure that's because they listed the contributors in alphabetical order and not just because no one's ever heard of me.

Tales of Mild Uneasiness

Recently read Eduardo Risso's Tales of Terror. Collection of black and white comic strips from the Argentinian artist. Nice artwork (even if I think the visuals don't always flow that well from panel to panel) but the scripts by Carlos Trillos fall pretty flat. There's a couple of okay stories but nothing special and definitely nothing scary. Probably doesn't help that originally they weren't written in English.

Anyway, samples of Risso's artwork and a more positive review of the book over at http://warren-peace.blogspot.com/2007/10/eduardo-rissos-tales-of-terror-i-didnt.html

Everybody Knows Everything

Bit disappointed with The South Bank Show profile of William Goldman. Yeah, they showed great clips from Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid ("Guns or knives, Butch?") and some of his other films but they skipped A Bridge Too Far and The Princess Bride.

Not to mention the fact that any Goldman fan will have heard all the anecdotes he trotted out about a million times before. I was sitting there guessing which bit of gossip he was going to supply about each clip before he even opened his mouth.

Still an enjoyable programme of course. I just wish it hadn't been so predictable.

Wire We Waiting?

So I've finally bought the last two seasons of The Wire after finding them discounted to a price that I can actually afford. I was absolutely ecstactic ... until I discovered that the series is finally coming to British TV so I didn't need to buy them after all.

Typical.

Who Just Watched the Watchmen?

Attended the press screening of Watchmen last night. I've been waiting twenty years for this film so I deliberately kept my expectations low in order to prevent myself going beserk with an automatic weapon if the film turned out to be rubbish.

Good news. I didn't kill anyone.

The film's pretty faithful to the comic. Yeah, they've had to ditch subplots and secondary characters which in turn means they've had to tinker with the main plot slightly to accomodate these changes but it's still Watchmen. A streamlined, or diluted if one were being unkind, version of Moore's story to be sure but at least Hollywood didn't turn it into Batman and Robin.

Of course it's also very obviously a Zack Snyder film. There's lots of slo-mo and both the action and the gore have been amped up just to remind people that he directed 300 and The Dawn of the Dead remake. The fight scenes are full of wire-fu and at one point become so OTT they make The Matrix look like cinema verite. Whilst the graphic nature of the many maimings and killings had the audience alternating between wincing and applauding. And my friend who blagged me my ticket for the screening was practically traumatised by a gruesome setpiece during the prison scenes.

There's about a million other points I could make about the film but the short version is that while the film isn't perfect it's about as good a Hollywood adap as we could expect. And as such it's well worth a look.

It's Clobberin' Time!

Been reading Mark Waid's run on Fantastic Four, generally considered to be the third best run EVER, coming behind the stints by Lee/Kirby and John Byrne. Jolly good fun especially as I got the first two storylines in the hardcover edition which includes Waid's initial proposal and character notes from when he took over the series. Offers interesting insights into his creative process and allows me to appreciate the choices he made while writing the series. Even the ones I didn't agree with.

Dave Bezzina

Dave Bezzina's got a new website

Features a selection of his Fantasy and Horror artwork in paints, inks and pencils.

Apart from being a British Fantasy Award nominee Dave provided half of the illustrations for my debut collection Spare Parts. (But don't hold that against him).

Dear Santa

So once again it's that time of year when people feverishly scribble out lists detailing what they desire most in the whole world. A time when people rely on the goodwill of others to restore their faith in humanity.

I refer of course to the recommendations process for the British Fantasy Awards. I've only just discovered that it started over a month ago. That's me, finger on the pulse as ever.

Anyway, here's what I've got eligible this year:

BEST NOVELLA -- 'Bliss' From We Fade to Grey

BEST SHORT STORY -- 'Nothing is Forever.' From the Pendragon FantasyCon chapbook which I've forgotten the name of. And which, due to a cock-up with the delivery, hardly anyone received a copy of. And even if they did the printers screwed up my story by presenting random passages in italics for absolutely no reason whatsoever. So obviously it stands a really good chance of winning :-/

BEST HUMAN BEING -- Me. Okay, I made this one up. But if anyone did vote for me in this category then that would be the best Christmas present ever. (Just kidding, I really want one of the awards.)

Invasion of the Seagal Snatchers

As I'm sure you're all suffering withdrawal symptoms due to me not bragging about how wonderful my stories are for a while here's a quick snippet from a review of 'Bliss' in Black Static #8:

"Young tells it like a retread of Invasion of the Body Snatchers with Steven Seagal in the lead role. The result is something eminently readable and engaging, a plot driven narrative with dollops of sex and violence, but dig beneath the surface and you discover that he is addressing some serious and genuine concerns about the nature of human existence and the values that we cherish."

Customer Service

In response to Elizabeth's comment on my last post I offer this news from Chris Teague:

"In other news, the paperback edition of We Fade to Grey has sold out - a reprint is on it's way, due in the New Year - to compensate, and until Christmas, anyone who orders the hardback edition will also receive a copy of New Writings in the Fantastic (and a "subscription" to the first 3 Triquorum chapbooks). "

So hop on over to Pendragon Press.

Hot Cakes

Just heard that the paperback edition of We Fade to Grey has sold out. A second print run is due in the New Year.

Obviously everyone is rushing to buy the book 'cos I'm in it.

Blimey, I managed to say that with a straight face ...

WFTG review

Nice review of We Fade to Grey up at Matthew Fryer's blog.


He also compares 'Bliss' to "an ultra-violent, X-rated episode of Doctor Who." Which I feel is a pretty fair comment.

Hollywood Here I Come!

As you can always trust quizzes you did on the internet to guide you in the path your life should take I'm off to make my fortune in Hollywood.

You Should Be a Film Writer

You don't just create compelling stories, you see them as clearly as a movie in your mind. You have a knack for details and dialogue. You can really make a character come to life. Chances are, you enjoy creating all types of stories. The joy is in the storytelling. And nothing would please you more than millions of people seeing your story on the big screen!

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

Out to Launch

The We Fade to Grey launch went well. Even though Gary and Chris decided not to tell any of the contributors that we were going to have to give presentations about our individual stories -- and then picked me to go first even though they know I hate speaking in public. Bastards.

Anyway, just a reminder that the Horror World review has been archived at www.horrorworld.org/september_2008.htm

We Fade to Grey comp

Look! Over there! Chris Teague's running a We Fade to Grey competition!

"To celebrate the impending launch of this literary feast of supernatural thrills, which shares it's title with a well-known early 80s pop-song, both myself and the fount of 80s trivia Mark West have racked our brains to ask thee a single question:

"Who links 'One man on a lonely platform, one case sitting by his side, two eyes staring cold and silent, show fear as he turns to hide' with 'It's five and I'm driving home again, it's hard to believe that it's my last time, the man on the wireless cries again, it's over, it's over'?"

The winner shall receive the following:

- A free copy of the hard cover edition of We Fade to Grey, which will not only be numbered and signed by all contributors, but shall also be personally inscribed with whatever message they desire;

- Also, a free copy of any other Pendragon Press title (check out www.pendragonpress.net to choose).

Send your entry by e-mail to: chris at pendragonpress dot net - preferably with your message, just in case you're the happy winner...

Closing date for entries is midnight (GMT) Wednesday 17th September 2008 - the winner shall be notified on Thursday, with their books posted on Monday 22nd September 2008.

No correspondence shall be entered into and the decision shall be final.

So there. :)"

Of course everyone here will want to pay for their copy.

Launch update

Apparently the We Fade to Grey launch has been rescheduled for 1600 on the Saturday. Just thought I'd mention it because I know you'd all be distraught if you missed the launch.

Michael Davis

When I was a kid I thought Michael Davis was one of the funniest performers I'd ever seen.

There's another comic in this first video, skip ahead to 3:30 if you want just see Davis.


This video shows a great trick with a pingpong ball. (If Chris Teague is reading this, don't get excited Chris, it's not the trick you usually pay to see done with a pingpong ball.)


This clip features a crappy framing device for the comedy and uses some of the same gags from the previous videos but still contains some other funny lines.

We Fade to Grey review

Chris Teague has just pointed me towards We Fade to Grey's first review at http://www.horrorworld.org/reviews.htm

Scroll about halfway down the page for Mario Guslandi's comments on the book.

And for those too lazy to do that here's the most important part of the review:

"Stuart Young contributes "Bliss"a novella graced by excellent characterization and smooth narrative flow featuring two brothers facing the shocking reality of a surreptitious alien invasion of human bodies."

Trailer

Okay, let's try embedding the We Fade to Grey trailer.

We Fade to Grey launch

Just heard from Chris Teague and Gary McMahon. Apparently the We Fade to Grey launch is scheduled for 3.00 Saturday afternoon at FantasyCon. Should last for about 45 mins.

For some reason it's being held in the bar. It's almost as if they think getting all the punters drunk will help sell the book.

FantasyCon booklet

Over the weekend I put together some story notes and a bio for a promotional booklet Chris Teague is planning. At FantasyCon he's giving away these booklets featuring stories by Paul Finch, Gary McMahon and me. (Apologies to any other authors who might be included but these are the only ones I know about.)

My story, 'Nothing is Forever', is a cosmicy horrory type thingie. No idea what the others have done, but knowing those two it's bound to be horror of some kind.

The whole thing is to promote Pendragon Press and more specifically We Fade to Grey.

Normally I'd tell you to buy one but seeing as they're free that'd be kind of pointless. That said, if you did offer to buy I'm sure Chris would be happy to take your money.

That's our Chris, always looking to put the con into FantasyCon.

Sign o' the Times

I recently stuck my autograph on the signing sheets for the hardback limited edition of We Fade to Grey. Would have been an exciting moment -- the first time I've done a signing sheet! -- if my arm and shoulder muscles hadn't been all cramped up due to postural problems. This led to severe writing cramp by the time I signed the second sheet. Fortunately that left me with a mere 98 to go.

I couldn't even pace myself as there had been a delay posting the sheets round to the book's contributors so I needed to sign all the sheets in one go and post them back to the publisher. So by the time I finished I was walking around doubled over in pain, my face screwed up in agony, looking like a cross between Quasimodo and Wayne Rooney. Even more so than usual.

I wouldn't have minded so much if my signature had turned out okay but it looks awful at the best of times. A microscopic scrawl that would still be illegible even if written at a size that didn't make subatomic particles look the size of Mount Everest.

It didn't help that all the other writers had these elaborate sweeping signatures, all elegant loops and sweeping curls, that looked less like autographs and more like diagrams on how to tie the Gordian knot. Whereas my signature looked like someone had just scribbled on the page to make sure their pen was working.

Sigh.

In future I'm just going to use a rubber stamp.

Information Overload

It's that time again when I do tons and tons of research for a story with absolutely no idea which bits are actually going to make it into the final plot.

Urgh, I think my brain is going to explode.

Spare Parts

My old collection Spare Parts has been out of print for a couple of years but I've just stumbled across a retailer who still has a few copies. So if anyone is interested in seeing what I was doing before I won the British Fantasy Award here's a chance to find out. Wait, that won't convince anyone to buy it -- um, the book has an introduction by Tim Lebbon. No, still no good -- er, it's got illustrations by BFA winning artist Bob Covington and BFA nominated artist Dave Bezzina. No, still no interest -- wait, I've got it! The retailer, Fantastic Literature, has knocked several quid off the cover price so you'd be getting the book dirt cheap.

Anyway, here's where to go if you fancy looking up my book.

Or you can just point and jeer -- "No one's publishing your book anymore!"

Full-sized quotes

Just realised that the Nicholas Royle and Stephen Gallagher quotes have been edited down to fit on the back cover. Here are the quotes in full:

"Gary McMahon signally fails to keep the unpleasant and horrifying tendencies of his contributors in check in this maelstrom of evil curses, sickening violence, inevitable death, bereavement and the end of the world." Nicholas Royle

"I picked up WE FADE TO GREY last night and was kept reading way beyond any reasonable hour. As strong a collection of solid horror tales as I've read in a long time, and a great reminder of the unique qualities that British writers can bring to the field." Stephen Gallagher

We Fade to Grey trailer

Just discovered a trailer for We Fade to Grey at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWa_Gr6wu8I

As my oh so wonderful blog is still refusing to let me post links to Youtube I'll just mention that the trailer conatins a new cover quote from Stephen Gallagher -- "As solid a collection of horror tales as I've read in a long time."

The Reapers signing

Went to a signing for John Connolly's latest novel The Reapers on Tursday.

John told some funny stories about the stupidity of criminals then discussed the themes of The Reapers and spoke about the film version of his short story 'The New Daughter' which stars Kevin Costner and the girl from Pan's Labyrinth. He also read an extract from the novel he's currently working on, The Lovers. With a wicked glint in his eye he revealed that it always annoys his agent when he reads work to the public before the agent has had a chance to see it.

After the signing John invited everyone along to a nearby pub where he had reserved the upstairs bar. He recently turned 40 so as everyone chatted away several of his fans presented him with birthday gifts. Continuing a joke on John's message board about his advancing years one of the gifts was a pipe and a pair of monogrammed slippers.

From the pub we went on to a restaurant which served what are possibly the best chips in the world. Wine flowed, as did the conversation, with John regaling everyone with witty anecdotes. At the end of the evening he picked up the bill despite the best efforts of one of his fans who was desperate to pay it himself. (I'm sure none of you will be surprised to learn that this fan wasn't me.)

On the train home I read the first couple of chapters of The Reapers. At first I was slightly worried to discover that it not only dealt with similar themes as one of my forthcoming stories but it also featured a piece of research crucial to that story. Just to make things freakier John even introduced a character named Bliss which is the title of my story. By now hyperventilating at the prospect of being sued for plagiarism I tried to reassure myself that there will be more than enough differences to set the two stories apart.

After all The Reapers is a finely crafted tale, full of well-rounded characters, snappy dialogue, stunning imagery and thoughtful insights into the human condition.

And 'Bliss' has been written by me.

The Spirit

Trailer for Frank Miller's adap of The Spirit at http://www.mycityscreams.com/ Not sure about this one. I'm not a huge fan of the Eisner comic (although I appreciate its seminal status) but judging by the trailer Miller seems to have totally ignored the er, spirit of The Spirit and just done a Sin City retread.

All Quiet on the Western Front

Nothing exciting to report. I've just been having a bit of a clear out; some of the piles of books are getting so high that lowflying aircraft have to take evasive action when they pass by my house.

Up on the Proof

I keep forgetting to mention that I went through the proofs of 'Bliss' a couple of weeks back, correcting all the typos that had sneaked through ... and no doubt adding in a whole bunch of new ones.

In fact I'm going to use my poor typing skills as a get-out clause for any criticisms the story receives. Didn't like the way I described something? Well, actually I described it brilliantly, it's just that a series of typos weakened the effect. Thought a character's personality veered erratically over the course of the story? Typos interfered with my carefully nuanced portrait of a complex soul. Felt the ending was a bit weak? There's actually another three pages of text which would have ended the story just the way you wanted but unfortunately I leant on the backspace key whilst reaching over to pick up a chocolate biccie.

Of course the typo most likely to increase my sales is the one where I accidentally typed in the author's name as Stephen King.

Good news ... I think

Here's what Nicholas Royle has to say about We Fade To Grey. "A maelstrom of evil curses, sickening violence, inevitable death, bereavement and the end of the world."

At least I hope he's talking about the anthology and not the proposed launch party.